this blog is dead

2010-12-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

i choose . . . you

2009-06-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

Polygamy: according to wikipedia it is the practice of multiple marriage

Then how come all polygamists are men?

Because no woman in her right mind would have multiple husbands.

or else

2009-06-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

The Phantom of the Opera in 15 minutes. I triple dog dare ya.

top 101 "disney" songs

2009-06-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

so i know that not all of these are disney movies, but i couldn't leave them out, they're too good

circle of life (the lion king)
a whole new world (aladdin)
beauty and the beast (beauty and the beast)
colors of the wind (pocahontas)
i stand alone (quest for camelot)
the bells of notre dame (the hunchback of notre dame)
under the sea (the little mermaid)
i'll make a man out of you (mulan)
two worlds (tarzan)
let me be your wings (thumbelina)
the lion sleeps tonight (the lion king 2)
candle on the water (pete's dragon)
can you feel the love tonight (the lion king)
once upon a dream (sleeping beauty)
i won't say (i'm in love) (hercules)
he lives in you (the lion king 2)
out there (the hunchback of notre dame)
looking through your eyes (quest for camelot)
once upon a december (anastasia)
be our guest (beauty and the beast)
the unbirthday song (alice in wonderland)
heaven's light/hellfire (the hunchback of notre dame)
when you wish upon a star (pinocchio)
go the distance (hercules)
so this is love (cinderella)
a girl worth fighting for (mulan)
i just can't wait to be king (the lion king)
belle (beauty and the beast)
god help the outcasts (the hunchback of notre dame)
some day my prince will come (snow white and the seven dwarves)
the prayer (quest for camelot)
the bare necessities (the jungle book)
hakuna matata (the lion king)
just around the riverbend (pocahontas)
a star is born (hercules)
kiss the girl (the little mermaid)
strangers like me (tarzan)
bella notte (lady and the tramp)
friend like me (aladdin)
the second star to the right (peter pan)
upendi (the lion king 2)
arabian nights (aliddin)
you'll be in my heart (tarzan)
a dream is a wish your heart makes (cinderella)
gaston (beauty and the beast)
everybody wants to be a cat (the aristocats)
part of your world (the little mermaid)
i wanna be like you (the jungle book)
cruella de vil (101 dalmations)
reflection (mulan)
united we stand (quest for camelot)
heigh-ho (snow white and the seven dwarves)
we are one (the lion king 2)
the court of miracles (the hunchback of notre dame)
be prepared (the lion king)
i wonder (sleeping beauty)
prince ali (aladdin)
the gospel truth (hercules)
following the leader (peter pan)
journey to the past (anastasia)
a spoonful of sugar (mary poppins)
when i see an elephant fly (dumbo)
steady as the beating drum (pocahontas)
son of man (tarzan)
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (mary poppins)
something there (beauty and the beast)
love will find a way (the lion king 2)
topsy turvy (the hunchback of notre dame)
follow your heart (thumbelina)
learn to do it (anastasia)
you can fly! you can fly! you can fly! (peter pan)
one jump ahead (aladdin)
zero to hero (hercules)
what made the red man red (peter pan)
honor to us all (mulan)
bibbidi bobbidi boo (cinderella)
i've got no strings (pinocchio)
pink elephants on parade (dumbo)
siamese cat song (lady and the tramp)
that's what makes the world go round (the sword in the stone)
best of friends (the fox and the hound)
the age of not believing (bedknobs and broomsticks)
let's go fly a kite (mary poppins)
on my father's wings (quest for camelot)
little april shower (bambi)
casey junior (dumbo)
savages (pocahontas)
whistle while you work (snow white and the seven dwarves)
someone's waiting for you (the rescuers)
if i didn't have you (quest for camelot)
a guy like you (the hunchback of notre dame)
a pirate's life (peter pan)
oh sing sweet nightingale (cinderella)
chitty chitty bang bang (chitty chitty bang bang)
jolly holiday (mary poppins)
give a little whistle (pinocchio)
he's a tramp (lady and the tramp)
poor unfortunate souls (the little mermaid)
i'm wishing (snow white and the seven dwarves)
baby mine (dumbo)
feed the birds (mary poppins)

the sad thing is that i can think of so many more

it doesn't matter that this isn't real, it doesn't matter

2009-06-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

it's short, i promise, so please, just watch, and comment

2009-05-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

half and half

2009-05-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

how to impress a girl from ancient history to now

2009-05-25T12:57:00.000-07:00

Curious?

please call our toll free number

2009-05-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

how to turn your car into an unstoppable murder machine in 8 easy steps

2009-05-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

reflecting on my blog

2009-05-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

Blogging. Well. If we are being brutally and completely honest, most of the time I felt like an absolute loser for having a blog and keeping up with it. Not that I'm saying that only losers have blogs. Just that me having one made me feel like a loser. At times I got really into it. I would keep up with the word count and even have extra posts. This was the worst. At one point I even started to talk about it in public. Bad. Bad. Bad. Again, no offence to those of you who enjoy blogging, it just isn't my "thing". Mostly I just wanted to have a bunch of followers so that other people would see that I had a lot of followers and follow my blog as well because they thought that it must have been good since I had so many followers. I don't think I said follow/followers enough in that last sentence. Followers. Follow. Followers. Anyway, overall I thought I did ok. At first I talked about boring things like books. But eventually I realized that if I didn't want to read about books someone else had read, nobody else probably did either. For a while I had no topic in general that I was writing about. Actually, until I was stuck under the "Pop Culture" category, I just wrote about anything I could think of that I thought I could say a lot about. Let me say though, having a somewhat specific thing to write about definitely helped me to come up with ideas of what to say. Even now I still have trouble filling the word count. Currently at 272. (*exasperated sigh*) As for the continuance of this blog, I think I can truthfully say that I will more than likely never visit it again. Maybe I will leave it up/out/not delete it and then revisit it next year to see how many people have looked at it/commented on it in my absence, most of them probably after clicking on that next blog thing, which is really kind of cool; plus, I had no idea that so many people around the world had blogs, I thought it was just an american thing. While I think that I would have preferred blogging to writing in journals it is hard to say without having done both. This just always seemed like the faster way to get it done. Not necessarily easier. But faster.

still

2009-05-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

same thing as before, but with virginia woolf. blue= bad. pink= good.

Original:
Virginia Woolf
The most prominent British woman writer of our century, Virginia Woolf was born in London in 1882, the youngest daughter of Sir Leslie Stephen, a leading critic and editor. Frail in health as a child, she was educated mainly at home in her father's library. In 1904 she settled in the Bloomsbury district of London, joining an intellectual circle that came to include economist John Maynard Keynes and biographer Lytton Strachey. In 1917 she and her husband, Leonard Woolf, established the Hogarth Press, publisher of her own novels and of the first translated works of Sigmund Freud. In the 1920s her novels won wide attention[s]. Woolf's techniques were then new and radical: in Mrs. Dalloway (1925) she explores characters' streams of consciousness; in Orlando (1928) her Elizabethan hero defies time and lives for centuries, changing into a woman in midlife. As an essayist and critic, Woolf is remembered especially for The Common Reader (in two series, 1925 and 1932), The Death of the Moth (1942), and A Room of One's Own (1929). In 1941, depressed by ill health and by World War II, she weighted her pockets with stones and stepped into a river.

My version:
Virgin Wolf
The most promint (that is pro-mint, as in for mint) British woman of cent, Gini Woo, was born in Loo in 18, the youngest dater of Sir Lies Pen, a lad critic and editor. Frail as a child, he was mainly a she. The Boobs of London, a circle that Jo Man Keys, grapler Lytton Achey, and her husband, Lord Woof, established the Hog Press pub. Heron novels and the first translated works of Sig Fred won wide anions. Woofs were radical. Mrs. Dallay explores streams of cons. Orlando, her Elizabethan hero, defies Tim and lives for cents, changing into a woman, ass, and critic. Woolf remembered the como rad death moth and a room of sow. I[m]pressed by ill health and old weight she stepped into a river.

Again, much better.

wrong

2009-05-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

the statement given about henry david thoreau on the essay the battle of the ants. yeah. it's wrong. i fixed it though. here is the original paragraph, everything in blue is what i got rid of, everything in pink is what is left.

Henry David Thoreau (1817- 1862) was born in Concord Massachusetts, where, except for short excursions, he remained [so] for the whole of his life. After his graduation from Harvard College, he taught school briefly, worked sometime as surveyor and house painter, and for a time worked in his father's pencil factory (and greatly improved the product). The small sales of his first, self-published book, A Week on the Concord and Merrimac Rivers (1849), led him to remark, "I have now a library of nearly nine hundred volumes, over seven hundred of which I wrote myself."
The philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson befriended his neighbor Thoreau; but although the two agreed that a unity exists between man and nature, they did not always see eye to eye on matters of politics. Unlike Emerson, Thoreau was an activist. He helped escaped slaves flee to Canada; he went to jail rather than pay his poll tax to a government that made war against Mexico. He recounts this brush with the law in his essay "Civil Disobedience" (1849), in which later readers (including Mahatma Gandhi of India and Martin Luther King Jr.) have found encouragement for their own non-violent resistance. One other book appeared in Thoreau's life time: Walden (1854), a searching account of his life in (and around, and beyond) the one-room cabin he built for himself at Walden Pond near Concord. When Thoreau lay dying, an aunt asked whether he had made his peace with God. "I did not know we had quarreled," he replied.

So now it reads:
Henry David Thoreau was short, he remained so for the whole of his life. After his graduation from Harvard College, he taught briefly as a house painter in his father's pencil factory and greatly improved his-self. A week on the Concord and Merrimac rivers led him to remark "I have now a library over myself."
The Waldo merson (as in mer-maid, mer-son) befriended his butt. The two agreed that a unity exits between man and nature, they did not always see eye to eye on matters of tics. Unlike merson, Thoreau was a slave to Canada; he went to jail rather than pay Mexico. He recounts this brush with Mahatma Gandhi. India and Marti the King Jr. have found encouragement for their own violent pear. In Thoreau's lifetime his life he built for himself. When Thore lay dying, an ant asked whether he had made squirrel. He lied.

Short, sweet, and to the point.

why you should learn how to knit

2009-05-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

this post has nothing to do with knitting.

two new people stories.

scene one: team. at a game. in waterloo? playing. winning. by a lot. me. standing. girl on the other team. running. running. running into me. girl turns. girl glares. girl says why don't you watch where you're going. scowl. what? seriously? why don't you get out of my way? except i'm not the one who ran into you. *sigh*

take two: this one is entirely my fault. me. in ap chem. 6th hour. end of the day. tired. have a question. ask snook. snook runs away. i follow her. quickly. snook. running. running. running. me. running. running. running. sliding. sliding. sliding. falling. falling. falling. BAM. lots of pain. major embarrassment. land behind the counter. have to stand up behind it in front of class. lots of laughter. still embarrassed.

beg pardon!?!

2009-05-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

check out these websites that, at first glance, appear to be not so, um, appealing. BEWARE. some of these are pretty bad.

the first one is a site called Who Represents where you can find out what agents represent which celebraties, their website name: http://www.whorepresents.com/, very child friendly

next we visit Experts Exchange where programmers can go to discuss and exchange ideas, visit them at http://www.expertsexchange.com/

looking for a reliable therapist? someone who makes you feel comfortable and right at home? check out Therapist finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com/. not working out for ya? maybe you'd be better off at http://www.accesstherapist.com/

also, for those of you interested in checking out the Mole Station Native Nursery located in New South Wales, take a look at their website http://www.molestationnursery.com/

need a new computer? check out the software at http://www.ipanywhere.com/. not satisfied? maybe you should talk to the experts at Web One, that's http://www.webone.com/

teachers, there are websites out there for you as well. get the latest updates on what's happening in the classroom at http://www.teacherstalk.com/

art has taken it to a new level. visit Speed of Art at http://www.speedofart.com/ to see what i mean. its even better than her sister site, http://www.potsofart.com/

hey all you taekwondo fans out there, visit the World Taekwondo Federation at http://www.wtf.com/

looking for a relaxing get away? take a trip to Lake Tahoe. for more information, visit http://www.gotahoe.com/

i just have a few things to say to these websites. first, doesn't anybody proof this before putting it out there for the world to see? second, what kind of a moron doesn't catch something like that? and third, my favorite one would have to be the speedofart one. too good. and i can actually see how they might have originally missed something like that. and now i just need 100 more words for this week so i am just going to type until i reach my marker. so some ridiculous security system thing keeps poping up and trying to guilt me into buy some new anti virus software, which i probably should do, but won't. it keeps asking if i would like to install it but instead of asking me to choose a simple yes or no, i have to pick between, no, i would rather leave me computer unprotected or yes, please save my computer from potential harmful viruses. what is all this about? it might as well be asking whether i would like my computer to crash now or if another time would be more convenient. i just need seven more words. done.

dance crazes over the ages

2009-05-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

50s

lindy hop- pretty much just a couple swinging each other around like crazy

the stroll- girls on one side and boys on the other and the line moved up as each couple would meet one at a time in the center at the beginning of the line and stroll to the music down the line between the others and take their place at the end of the line, sounds like loads of fun if you ask me

the hand jive- if you don't know, i am not telling you

the alligator- you lay down on the floor, bend your knees to your stomach, then kick your legs (alternating) from your knees down

60s

the twist- take a wild guess what this one looked like, unfortunately this was one of those moves that was popular among both teens and their parents

mashed potato- hop around and pretend you are mashing potatoes with your feet, more or less

the monster mash- same as the mashed potato except you hold your arms in a "ghoulish" positions

the madison- step left forward, place right beside left (no weight)and clap, step back on right, move left foot back and across the right, move left foot to the left, move left foot back and across the right

the freddie- simply stand in place, then, in rhythm with the music first extend the left leg and left arm; then the right leg and right arm, way exciting

70s

the robot- yeah, it's been around a while

the hustle- california or night fever line?

bus stop- take 4 steps backwards, clap, take 4 steps forward, clap, grapevine to the right, clap, grapevine to the left, clap, right heel forward, left heel forward, 2 Heel clicks, right heel forward, left heel forward, right foot front, right foot back, right foot to the right side, lift right leg while quarter- turning left; i couldn't do it justice on my own

80s

the african anteater ritual- you'll have to see Can't Buy Me Love for this one, way too hard to explain but definitely worth seeing

the chinese typewriter- jump from side to side, toes in, toes out

the fishing pole- cast a line, reel it in, repeat

moonwalk- you move one foot backwards keeping all your foot on the floor while your static foot has its heel raised, keep changing foots, it should look as if you are walking forward but the floor is pulling you back, a MJ classic, what a guy

90s

hammer dance- my dad claims to have done this one, says it was very popular with the ladies, by M.C. Hammer, he wore those baggy genie pants, keep legs wide apart, slightly bents, shuffle quickly one way, then the other, yeah, hot stuff

the jump- bet cha can't guess what this one looked like

tootsee roll- knees in, knees out, knees in, knees out, can you say scandalous?

macarena- anyone and their grandma could do this dance, how did it become a craze?

moshing or a mosh pit- not really a dance move but definitely a dance craze, don't worry though, being part of the nineties means your parents didn't do it, hopefully

two for the price of one

2009-05-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

Gosh i love people. they are so fabulous. you have no idea. really, you have no idea.

Scene one: sitting in my least favorite class waiting for my least favorite teacher to arrive. the kid next to me leans over. wait for it. wait for it. and asks me how to spell paper. no joke. i look at him to see if he is kidding. no. he is totally serious and seriously unabashed for having to ask such a degrading question. just sitting there, waiting for my answer. um? p-a-p-e-r. thanks. er, no problem. (*are you sure you are right place? this is high school.)

Take two: me. walking to a soccer meeting. walking down the hall. hear something. see three . . . rappers(?) come around the corner. one is "singing/rapping", one is making funny noises, one is kinda dancing in a weird sort of way. they are coming towards me. i try not to laugh. they stop before we pass one another. i am offered a spot in their upcoming dance video. after regretfully reclining i continue on my way. such a shame. i really do not know what to say. flattered, i am sure.

6 truths of life

2009-05-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You’re smiling now because you’re an idiot.

5. You soon will test this out on another idiot.

6. There’s still a stupid smile on your face.

(authoritative voice) i have located the origin of the swine flu

2009-05-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

prepare yourself for something truly horrible
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i mean absolutely terrifying
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you may want to sit down for this
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the girl has got to go

my favorite spoofs

2009-05-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

a very short list, for now, plus, some of these aren't actually spoofs off other movies, more just like spoofs in general:

1. Airplane (1980) - Starring Leslie Nielsen, Robert Hayes, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Julie Hagerty, Robert Stack, Lloyd Bridges and Peter Graves.

Favorite quote: There is none really, just a whole bunch of great ones equally, here are a few...

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.
Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?
Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.

Roger Murdock: We have clearance Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger.
What's our vector Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur! Oveur.
Tower voice: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Captain Oveur: Huh?

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Favorite Scene:
Really just the whole thing.

2. Robin Hood- Men In Tights (1993) - Funny scenes throughout, good British sounding performance by Cary Elwes as Robin, Richard Lewis as Prince John and Dave Chappelle as Ahchoo.

Favorite quote:
Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "S$%thouse."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!

Favorite Scene:
Robin and Little John fight one another with big sticks and each hit snaps their sticks in half, they are eventually reduced to 4 inch sticks and resort to hand slapping.

3. Young Frankenstein (1974) - Starring Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle, Madeleine Kahn and Teri Garr.

Favorite quote:
Igor: Dr. Frankenstein...
Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: "Fronkensteen."
Igor: You're putting me on.
Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen."
Igor: Do you also say "Froaderick"?
Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: No... "Frederick."
Igor: Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"?
Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronensteen."
Igor: I see.
Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: You must be Igor. [He pronounces it ee-gor.]
Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."
Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."
Igor: Well, they were wrong, weren't they?

Favorite scene:
Everytime Frau Blucher's name is mentioned.

4. The Producers (2005) - Starring Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman, Will Ferrell, Gary Beach, and Roger Bart.

Favorite Quote:
Roger De Bris: Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West? [pause]
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!

Favorite Scene:
The song that follows this quote, "Keep It Gay!".

nothing is what it seems

2009-05-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong here. Really? I mean really? Whose idea was this? Pride and Prejudice . . . and Zombies? Of course it was written by a guy. What's next, Sense and Sensability . . . and The Boogie Man? Emma . . . and the Werewolf? Lady Susan . . . is a Ghost? Settle in for a story, so yesterday I was wandering around Barnes and Noble, like a loser, when an older lady walked up to me and ask me if we carried this book. My first instict was to explain to her that I didn't work there, but then I did a bit of a double take. Did you say and zombies? i asked. Yes, she said. Then we both burst into laughter, and she bought the book. And while it was funny at the time i'm sure you really don't care now.

please, shut up

2009-05-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

we all know one, those people who are so annoying you begin to seriously contemplate some form of homicide, those who you walk into class with knowing that you die a little more each day just being around them, those ridiculous people who just can't seem to get over themselves for no apparent reason, that little voice in the back of the room that vehemently refuses to cease the steady stream of utterly useless comments about absolutely nothing, and i'd just like to take the time to say that i hate you, i really hate you.

you know who you are

2009-05-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

you know you're from Iowa when . . .

You measure distance in minutes
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your pine tree (that's some fancy livin')
Weather is 90% of your conversation (so . . .)
Down south to you means Missouri
Snow tires came standard on your car
You have no concept of public transportation
The top 5% of your graduation high school class went to Iowa State -- everyone else attended the U of I
You know more than one person who has hit a deer (i also know a person who hit more than one deer at a time)
You have no problem spelling "Des Moines"
You know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?"
Your school classes have been canceled because of cold (yup)
Your school classes have been canceled because of heat (yup)
You know what the numbers I-80, 280, 380 mean
You know what "Amish Country" is
You've licked frozen metal (for one reason or another)
The only reason you go to Wisconsin or Missouri is to get fireworks
You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees out in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees
You have gone Trick-or-Treating in two feet of snow
You carry jumper cables in your car (and you know how to use them)
In a conversation you heard someone say "Yah sure you betcha" or "No, I never" or "Not once ever even" and you didn't laugh
Detasseling was your summer job
People from other states love to hear you say "Iowa" and other words with "Os" in them
You know what "Hawks" and "Clones" are
You can't drive 5 miles without passing at least one church (or three)
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway
Vacation means going to Adventureland or Okoboji (par-tay!)
You "warsh" your clothes
You see a car running in the parking lot at the grocery store with no one in it, no matter what time of year it is (what's the worst thing that could happen)
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable
When asked how your trip to any foreign, exotic place was you respond "It was different."
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
Little smokies are something you serve on special occasions
You've never met a TV celebrity (local newpeople don't count)
You've gone hunting for morel mushrooms
You use phrases like "catty wampus" and "knee high by the fourth of July"
There's a tornado and the whole town is outside watching for it
You get up a 5:30 am and go to the coffee shop
You pick up all the free stuff at the state fair (guilty)

how many are you guilty of? probably too many.

that is most unfortunate

2009-05-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

that's not what i meant

2009-05-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

having a little fun with google suggest, try this:

type in "what does it mean" and see what suggestions it gives you, my favorite would have to be "what does it mean when your poop is green", because apparently there were enough people looking this up to cause it to become an automatic suggestion. really? or how about "why can't i", yeah, it comes up with more, this time my favorite being "why can't i just eat my waffle?". fabulous. here's another, type in "why are you" and it'll give you "why are you wearing that stupid man suit" as your second option. i don't even know what that means. last one, type in "bears are" and i like the one that says "bears are investors who anticipate increases in stock prices". good stuff.

2009-05-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

who doesn't hate bad drivers? it's one of those inevitable things that just plain ruins your day. worse, are bad drivers causing traffic jams. really i just wanted to show you some pictures but because my word count is a little shy i need to ramble a just a bit first. my biggest annoyance is the leaving on of the blinkers. it's not that i can't tell when or if you are trying to turn, it's just that persistant blink that really gets to me. blink, blink, blink. i wish there was some way i could communicate to you that your blinker is still on. but i can't. now you can look at the pictures.

stop, study time

2009-04-30T07:48:00.001-07:00

pretty much these are just fool proof ways of passing any test. i mean really, calculus: covered, algebra: covered, biology: covered, chemistry: covered, physics: covered, the study of human nature: covered; so don't bother studying, cause it would actually just be a major waste of your time. instead you should spend you newly freed up schedule doing something more exciting, like, i don't know, anything, perhaps just being content with yourself for making the excellent decision of doing nothing. very smart, very smart.

The Second, and shorter, Movie Meme

2009-04-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

Richard: Oh my God, I'm getting pulled over. Everyone, just... pretend to be normal.
Woman: She's wonderful! Where ever did you find her? Man: 976-BABE.
Here is the primate example. You raise a doll-chopping homicidal maniac, and what do you do every time you see him? You give him money. Great!
I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.
This guy's a restraining order waiting to happen.
Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens. - 16 Candles - as discovered by Ms. Mixmaster Mack
If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit.
"Yesssssssssssssssssssssss? sss?" - The Producers- as discovered by Ms. Roxanne Beta
Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. - Shawshank Redemption- as discovered by Ms. Roxanne Beta
Gang Kid: Hey what kinda accent is that man? What planet are ya from? Man in other car: Vat Planet? The planet of not wanting to be die, by a drive by SHOOTING!
Woman: You wore control-top pantyhose? Man: You put a pair in the pink box. Woman: [laughs] And how did you look in them? Man: Hot.
Man: What about you? You don't have any needs? Woman: No. I'm Jesus. - 27 Dresses - as discovered by Ms. Roxanne Beta
Where's the goddam toaster?
I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you.
Man: Say, have you seen anything of a mean, fresh, kid, about ye big? Answers to the name of Pete. Boy: Half of the kids here in this town answer to Pete. Other half don't answer. - Pete's Dragon - as discovered by Ms. Mojo Jojo
Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?
"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Show me a man that a woman can trust. Now where did it say that on the eighth day He dusteth?"
Mother: Who is down there with you, Mary? Mary: It's George Bailey, mother. Mother: George Bailey? What does he want? Mary: I don't know! [to George] What do you want? George Bailey: Me? Nothing! I just came in to get warm, is all. Mary: [pause] He's making violent love to me, mother!
"Hey - check this out! I found the ass end!"
"I hope you'll be at cheerleading tryouts. We'll have so much fun and get to be lifelong friends."
Jump Back! - Footloose - as discovered by Ms. Roxanne Beta
I don't belong here, I feel it, don't you think I feel it. I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh God.
Oh sweet Jesus, who gave that woman an amp?
What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?
Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.

here are the answers to the ones that nobody got last time:

7. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I." - What About Bob?
12. [Man karate-chops the tops off three beer bottles] Boy: How did you do that? How did you do that? Man: Don't know. First time. -The Karate Kid
14. "That man... is a brownie hound." - The Breakfast Club
19. Man 1: Who are you, and why are you doing this? Man 2:We are bad men, and for the money! - The Count of Monte Cristo
20. "I tell you what I'd like to do - I'd like to fold a Playboy centrefold into every one of Reverend Shaw's hymnbooks!" - Footloose
21. "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!" - Ghostbusters
22. "Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water - BAM. A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?" - My Cousin Vinny
23. "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window." - A Christmas Story
27. "Have you anymore to say, Master Nude?" - A Knights Tale
29. "Mother pus bucket. So . . . she's a dog." - Ghostbusters
30. "Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl." - A Christmas Story

don even worry about it

2009-04-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

the 'ceasing to care' feeling has already begun to settle in

that's what you think

2009-04-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

After watching the movie Conspiracy Theories, I went to see what other ones I could find, and let me say, there are some weird people out there with way too much time on their hands. One of my favorite conspiracy theories is the one involving Bush and the New World Order. Apparently he is an insider of the plan which means to create a One World Government. This would involve the taking over of the world via Communism and power hunger billionaires. Fun, no?

Another juicy theory includes the "sex files" of J. Edgar Hoover, which allegedly contained dirt on every politician or person of prominence in Washington. Apparently, to keep Kennedy from handing him the pink slip, Hoover dug up some dirt on the Kennedy brothers and their "meetings" with the superstarlet, Marilyn Monroe. It is also suspected that Hoover used similar tactics against the civil rights leader, Martin Luther King Jr.

On a more creepy note, on the night of November 18, 1978, in a cleared out patch of Guyanese jungle, the Reverend Jim Jones ordered the 913 members of his flock to kill themselves by drinking cyanide potion, and they did. Afterwords, Jones shot himself, or was shot by another. That is all true. The conspiracy enters in the question "How did he get them to do it?" The cultists had lived under Jones in the jungle as his virtual slaves, or rather, living zombies. But did these people really kill themselves simply because he told them to, or is there more to the story? Some believe it to be the work of mind control experiments conducted by the CIA (if all else fails, blame the CIA) in a sort of government run concentration camp.

Christine Fitzgerald, a confidante of Diana, Princess of Wales, claims that Diana told her that the Royal Family were Reptilian aliens, and that they could shapeshift. David Icke's, BBC reporter, claims that humanity is actually under the control of dinosauroid-like alien reptiles who must consume human blood to maintain their human appearance. "Evidence" goes from Sumerian tablets describing the "Anunnaki" (which he translates as "those who from heaven to earth came"), to the serpent in the Biblical Garden of Eden, to child abuse, fluoridation, and the genealogical connections between the Bush family and the House of Windsor. Icke theorizes that the reptilians came here from the constellation Draco. Like most conspiracy theories, falsification of Icke's hypotheses is nearly impossible, but Icke continues to sell books and give speaking engagements based on concepts ranging from the New Age to his political opinions.

As for our "fake moon landings", conspiracy theorist have compiled a list as to why we couldn't have possibly actually landed on the moon:

the astronauts couldn't have survived the trip due to overexposure to radiation
there are no stars in any of the pictures taken and none of the astronauts reported seeing any from the capsule windows
the moon's surface during the day is so hot that the cameral film would have melted (had they actually gone to the moon, of course)
no blast crater appeared from the landing
the launch rocket produced no visible flame
the CIA was involved

Some conspiracy theorist have proposed that bar codes serve as a means of control by the government over her people. They are believe to have a Satanic intent used for mass control.

Now whoever came up with this one has way too much time on their hands. Supposedly, Microsoft is a secret anti-semitism agency targeting the Jews of New York. If you go to the Wingdings font on Word and type in NYC it comes up with a skull and cross bones, the star of david, and a thumbs up sign. Coinsidence? I think not!

2009-04-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

do you think it's a sign?

2009-04-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

so really i didn't come up with any of these but (being kinda weird) everytime i see a funny bumper sticker i like to write it down, so these are ones that i have collected plus a few more:

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. (my personal favorite)
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. (lame)
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
-- I'm not tailgating, I'm kissing ass.
-- Nowhere you are.
-- Jesus is coming, look busy.
-- Isn't a smoking area in a restaurant like a peeing area in a swimming pool?
-- Just when you think life's a bitch, it has puppies.
-- I got kicked out of cub scouts for eating a brownie.
-- I don't discriminate, I hate everybody.
-- Like what you see? Dial 1-800-YOU-WISH.
-- I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead. (definately second favorite)
-- I'd rather be out sick than in sane.
-- I'm retired, go around me.

guess who?

2009-04-21T19:08:00.000-07:00

This is for you, Mixmaster Mack, and you, Mojo Jojo, and you, Nick. Amazing. I'm still on the look out for WG.

you know what i mean

2009-04-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

so i was going through some boxes that i found in our washing room and i came across this book called Learning To Talk More Gooder Fastly: Redneck Dictionary. obviously more of a dictionary than a book, but i wanted to share a few of the definitions. i hope this doesn't count as plagiarism, i'm not claiming it as my own.

some of these you have to read through a few times before they actually make sense.

ac-tiv-ist: to behave in a certain manner, particularly one based on another reality. "She seduced me into signing that petition, and now she activist she don't even know me."

bu-lim-ia: a demand that one accept the speaker's truthfulness. "Bulimia don't want to do that."

cer-ti-fy: a phrase applying a condition or assumption to the use of a formal term for a male person. "I wouldn't've called her certify had known it was a woman."

de-cide: the position to the right or left of the front or back of an object or being. "We've concluded that he resembles a pear if you look at him from decide."

doo-dle: a male person and his predicted actions. "Don't even look at him, 'cuz that doodle kill you."

elite: a phrase predicting ingestion by a male. "Give it to Jake . . . elite anything."

fe-males: a phrase implying he action conditional on a male person putting a packag or missive into the postal system, with the purpose of its delivery to an indicated address. "Females it today, we should have it by Friday."

Kat-man-du: a mythical character with feline qualities and his actions or function. "I get why we let Aquaman into the club, but what the hell's the Katmandu?"

ma-ple: expressing the possibility of the act of yanking. "Timmy's adorable, but he maple your hair out."

one more
mas-och-ist: the act of pressing one's lips against a person or object in relation to the celebration of the Christian Eucharist. "I'm sure I'll suffer for it later, but during the first masochist the widow Johnson, and during the second masochist her sister."

hurray the slow clap

2009-04-16T07:08:00.001-07:00

do it and die

2009-04-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

my newest pet peeves:
(this gets kinda long)

people who read aloud what they are trying to type or write as they write it (you know who you are)
couples who sit on the same side of a booth when there is no one on the other side (I don't do long distance relationships)
people who sit next to you on public transportation when there are other seats available next to no one (um . . . hey)
people who prolong class by asking the most inane questions or telling pointless stories (is today tuesday? did we have homework last night? what's your favorite color? do you have any pets? (these same people are also prone to saying things like "like" and "totally" way too much))
road maps that haven't been refolded correctly, or that refuse to be refolded correctly (just buy a new one)
people who chat with other people online while I'm talking with them on the phone (what? oh, I'm sorry, what? what?)
people who own a pet and then refer to them self as mommy or daddy (give mummy a kiss, that's right. me: GROSS)
when you genuinely ask someone what's wrong, because there is clearly something wrong, and they respond with a half-hearted "mmm, oh, nothing", sometimes coupled with a long sigh (go pout in the corner, baby)
celebrities claiming to be environmentalists (NEED . . . MORE . . . FAME)
people who ride their bikes in the road when there is a sidewalk right next to it (you're really just asking to be hit)
when somebody tosses something toward a garbage can, like they think they're a basketball star, then leave it on the ground after they miss (she shoots, she sucks)
the way people walk in flip-flops (you sound like a horse, clip, clop, clip, clop)
someone standing over my shoulder or sitting next to me, reading my computer screen (not to point fingers)
people who don't cover their mouth while sneezing or coughing (really? i mean really?)
people who write noone instead of no one (gimme some space, please)
when you're eating candy and someone asks if they can have a red one (would you like me to shine your shoes too? (say yes and I'll hit you))
chasing after a ping pong ball/football (where's it gonna go?)
the creepers at red lights, you know, those people that start inching forward in their cars slowly until the light turns green (you best back off my bumper buddy)
people who clear their throats in a disgusting way (guilty)
when you can't tell if someone is male or female (um, mir? aka- ma'am/sir)
uncomfortable chairs (something just don't feel right)
having the sun in my eyes while I drive (that's a hazard)
movie sequels that are unnecessary
when couples say "we're pregnant!" (what, are you sharing a uterus?)
the "yes but" people
when people refuse to be the decision maker about something simple (I don't care. You pick. Doesn't matter to me.)
when you pull a string hanging from your shirt and it doesn't break, but only becomes longer
people who say "It's always in the last place you look" (are you stupid? of course it is, otherwise I would have stopped looking)
people who will write something borderline mean, but then follow it up with a smiley face (you smell bad :) I hate you :) go die:) )
mumbling, then annoyedly saying "Forget it!" when people don't hear you (fine, I will)
when people continue to stare after they ask you a question, as if they need you to expand more on your answer (and . . . ya)
teachers who think that theirs is the only class you attend or really care about (I'll just give you loads of homework, since you'll have nothing better to do)
people who dress their pets (they're furry for a reason)
buying 10 packs of hot dogs and 8 packs of buns (is their no coordination here?)
people who don't look at you when they are talking, or you are talking to them (you talkin' to me?)
people who use the phrase "110%" (*eye roll*)
people who say the time like "Eight AM in the morning" (during the day?)
forks whose tines don't stand up in a perfectly straight line
taking a drink only to find that it has begun to dribble down onto my shirt (I've got a bit of a drinking problem)
in mini golf when you miss the hole three times in a row less than a foot away
overuse of the word like (it was funny the first three times, that's it)
when you score a goal on yourself in foosball or air hockey (Goal!?!)
people with poor umbrella etiquette (I realize that I won't get wet with the umbrella sitting on top of my head but if you could hold it a little higher that would be fabulous)
getting fruit in you bag on Halloween (I gotta rock)
walking into spiderwebs (definitely a mood crusher)
stomping on the floor to simulate knocking on a door (I wonder who that could be)
when the cashier gives you the change with the coins on top of the bills and for a moment you look like a fool jamming a large wad of cash into your pocket
failing to take a backpack into account when turning or backing into people (Wide Load)
gray snow that won't melt
people who refuse to expand their musical horizons (don't you dare point any fingers at me!!!)
people who say "Bra" or "bro" when it's not their brother (excuse me, do I know you?)
when people trip over your their foot in the hallway and start running to pretend like they meant to do it (I thought you tripped, but then I realized you just felt like running)
car passengers that throw their doors wide open without first checking to make sure it is safe to do so (I was standing there, but not anymore)
the saying of the word "dude"
being put on speakerphone without warning
slow people walking in front of me or people walking at normal speed who suddenly stop for no apparent reason
when you bend over to pick something up and miss the object multiple times, and the final attempt is a violent grab as if to say it was the object's fault (huff)
people who brag about how trashed they got the night before (impressive)
co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work (no thank you, No Thank You, NO THANK YOU)
teachers who stand directly in front of your desk as they teach (where am I supposed to look?)
speed bumps (looks kids, a dog, *bump bump*)
parents who have their kids on leashes
when someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at what just filled their tissue/handkerchief (again, you know who you are)
when you apply too much deodorant and you have to make a running-in-place type of motion
pants on men that are too short (where's the flood?)
when someone is giving a speech in class and they won't stop looking at you as they speak
people abbreviating words when they speak (jk, omg, what-ev)
women who are obviously bottle blondes who still blame their stupidity on being blonde, as in: "Oh, no! I'm having a blonde moment!"
broken spines on paperback books
people that burp loudly in public
hypocrites
TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you into thinking the sound is coming from your house
people who try to talk to you when you are going to the bathroom (if you could just hold that thought for one minute)

I feel unnecessarily annoyed now.

i bet they're really nice jeans

2009-04-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

real smooth

2009-04-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

So at the grocery store last night there was one of those sample ladys with one of those mega-blenders making a smoothie. This wasn't just any smoothie though, this was a super-smoothie. She would throw in whole oranges (including peels), watermelon (with rinds), grapes, whole strawberries, whole bananas, and some other exotic things that I don't know the names of. It was really really good.

Smoothie Don'ts:

Peanut Butter Power Smoothie:
1/2 cup soy milk
1/2 cup silken tofu
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
2 bananas — frozen
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup

Green Smoothie:
1 cup coconut milk
1.5 baby cucumbers
1 cup baby spinach
flax seeds
frozen papaya
frozen grapes
alfalfa sprouts

Pineapple, Mango and Spinach Green Smoothie:
1/2 pineapple, or about a cup of frozen pineapple chunks
1 mango, or a cup of mango frozen mango chunks
1 huge handful spinach, or to taste
1 cup water, or enough to blend to desired consistency

Banana Oatmeal Smoothie:
1 cup skim milk
1 cup orange juice
1 medium banana, coarsely chopped
1 (36 g) package quick-cooking oatmeal
3-4 ice cubes

S'more Smoothie:
1/2 cup marshmallow creme
1/4 cup chocolate syrup1 cup milk
2 cups ice
2 graham cracker squares
mini marshmallows
mini chocolate chips

Original Thanksgiving Smoothie:
1/3 pound of turkey
3 cups of mashed potatoes
5 Tbsp of gravy
2 cups of cranberry sauce
2 cups of stuffing
6 rolls
4 slices of pumpkin or pecan pie
1.5 sweet potato
1 cornucopia

Original Easter Smoothie:
5 pounds ham
2 cups of food coloring
3 chocolate bunnies
4 pints jelly beans
hard boiled eggs
cadbury creme eggs
rabbit
duck

Original Greek Smoothie:
lots of goat cheese
a hunk of lamb
5 pounds baklava
1 Rizopitta
5 cups of Skordalia
2 cups of Kotosoupa
6 Volvi me Ladoxido

Original Pizza Smoothie:
1 pound of dough
1 pepperoni
1 tsp Blue Cheese
1 tsp Brie
1 tsp Camembert
1 tsp Cheddar
1 tsp Colby
1 tsp Feta
1 tsp Goat Cheese
1 tsp Gorgonzola
1 tsp Limburger
1 tsp Manchego
1 tsp Monterrey Jack
1 tsp Parmesan
1 tsp Mozzarella
1 tsp Muenster
1 tsp Port de Salut
1 tsp Provolone
1 tsp Ricota
1 tsp Romano
1 tsp Roquefort
1 tsp Smoked Gouda
1 sardine
1 piece of sausage
1 anchovie
1 cup of sauce
1 pepper
1 onion
1 pineapple
1 slice of canadian bacon
1 shard of lettuce
1 cup of taco meat
1 chip
1 tsp garlic
1 cup of chicken
1 cup of garlic chicken
1 cup of hamburger
1 olive
1 tsp spinach
1 piece of broccoli

Original Fiesta Smoothie:
2 pounds of taco meat
3 cups of refried beans
6 pints of cheese
7 Tbsp of sour cream
as many bacon bits as you can stand
4 cups of salsa
89 cups of queso

Original German Smoothie:
beer (any amount)
9 pounds of sausage
8 cups of weiner-schnitzal
2 pounds blutwurst
3 streusels
a lot of sauerkraut

Original Christmas Smoothie:
12 pipers piping
11 drummers drumming
10 lords a leaping
9 ladies dancing
8 maids a milking
7 swans a swimming
6 geese a laying
5 golden rings
4 calling birds
3 french hens
2 turtle doves
1 partridge in a pear tree

*Original means I made it up

Smoothie Combinations:

Greek Pizza Smoothie = Grizza Smoothie:
greek smoothie + pizza smoothie

Greek Thanksgiving Smoothie = Granksgiveek Smoothie:
greek smoothie + thanksgiving smoothie

Easter Pizza Smoothie = Pizzter Smoothie:
eather smoothis + pizza smoothie

Green Peanut Butter Power Smoothie = Greenut Grutter Grower Smoothie
green smoothie + peanut butter power smoothie

Banana Oatmeal Pizza Smoothie = Boatzza Smoothie
banana oatmeal smoothie + pizza smoothie

Music for the moment

2009-04-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

Songs according to the situation

Situation: You've sky dived from a plane only to find that your parachute won't open.

Appropriate Songs: Free Fallin' (Tom Petty), It's Raining Men (The Weather Girls, I'm gonna let myself get absolutely soakin' wet), Time For Me To Fly (REO Speedwagon, anytime now would be fabulous), Falling Upside Down (Rascal Flatts, right side up, it makes no difference), Hurt So Good (John Mellancamp, only once you've hit the ground of course)

Situation: After hiking through the jungle for about 5 minutes you find yourself face to face with a rather large tiger.

Appropriate Songs: Born To Run (Bruce Springsteen, or sprint, whatever), Don't Look Back (Fine Young Cannibals), Eye Of The Tiger (Survivor, is the last thing you'll see), I Like To Move It (Bang Gang, really really fast), Real Gone (Sheryl Crow, now you see me, now you don't), Take It On The Run (REO Speedwagon, just doin' what I gotta do), Whip It (Devo, but only if your a lion trainer)

Situation : While driving your very fast, very expensive, and very gorgeous speed boat you are taken over by a band of mafia pirates who demand you walk the plank.

Appropriate Songs: Fins (Jimmy Buffet, to the left, fins to the right), Holding Out For A Hero (Bonnie Tyler, anytime now, thanks), Livin' On A Prayer (Bon Jovi), Release Me (Jim McDonough, *beggingly cries*), Surrender (Cheap Trick, wave that white flag), Under The Sea (Little Mermaid, don't laugh), Under Attack (ABBA, I'm being taken), Walk This Way (Aerosmith, drop this way, sink this way), SOS (ABBA, save our s____)

Situation: After spending the day spelunking, you go to leave only to find that the mouth of the cave has caved in, no pun intended, and you are trapped.

Appropriate Songs: Cherry Bomb (John Mellancamp, if only you had one), A-OK (Motion City Soundtrack, no, you're not), The Adventure (Angels and Airwaves, it sure is), All Around Me (Flyleaf, rock, rock, rock), The Grand Illusion (Styx, those aren't really rocks), Help Me (The Great Divide), Only The Good Die Young (Billy Joel, you keep telling yourself that), All Revved Up With No Place To Go (Meat Loaf)

Situation: Preparing for your hot date later that night you begin to dry your hair, only to realize that it has caught on fire.

Appropriate Songs: Hot Blooded (Foreigner), Hearts On Fire (Bryan Adams, hearts, heads, it's really all the same thing), I Melt (Rascal Flatts), Light My Fire (The Doors, too late), The Reflex (Duran Duran, the louder you scream, the faster it all goes away), My Favorite Accident (Motion City Soundtrack, one day we'll all look back on this day and laugh), Smokin' (Boston, yes, you are)

Situation: After narrowly escaping from a band of ruffians by jumping onto a passing train you turn around to find it occupied by a traveling circus.

Appropriate Songs: Don't Stand So Close To Me (The Police, no really, back up), Crazy Train (Ozzy Osbourne), Dude Looks Like A Lady (Aerosmith, man, or woman?), I Want You To Want Me (Cheap Trick, I can do that trick with the spoon on my nose, eh, any takers?), Let It Be (The Beatles, please, leave me alone), Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm (Crash Test Dummies, and that's all I have to say about that), Roll With The Changes (REO Speedwagon, yeah, I'll do just that), You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Meat Loaf)

Situation: While moonwalking (on the moon) you look down to find that your rope has snapped and you are slowing drifting away.

Appropriate Songs: Across The Universe (Eric Hansen, here I go), So Long, Farewell (The Sound of Music), Break Away (Rascal Flatts, yes, you did), Come Back Down (Lifehouse, would if I could), Comin' Back Soon (Crash Test Dummies, no, you won't be), Defying Gravity (Wicked, what gravity?), Heaven Can Wait (Meat Loaf, too bad, cause here I come), Rocketman (Elton John, at least, I was), Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) (Journey, and I won't be comin' back), Walking On Sunshine (Katrina & The Waves, so hot, so hot), Higher & Higher (Jackie Wilson)

let me know if you can think of anymore songs or situations

2009-04-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

Girl moment (we're all suseptable to one of those every now and then). Can't Buy Me Love is on tv. If there's anything better than Patrick Dempsey now it's him when he was like 17. Am I wrong. Done now.

say it with a song

2009-04-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

This "story" it made up of songs from the year I was born. It's a break-up story.

Hey Stoopid, How Can You Expect To Be Taken Seriously when you're The Size Of A Cow? Really? Mama Said To Knock You Out, but I didn't want to get Blood On The Bricks. This Wicked Game you are playing will bring me No More Tears (kinda poetic). I know you came All The Way From Memphis, but please just take a Shot Of Poison and go back Into The Great White Open. You can Kiss My Love Goodbye and return to your Mysterious Ways. Quit Given' Yourself Away 'cause you can't even Remember My Name. You may be Forever Young but I've got a Date With Poverty. Don't Cry your Bitter Tears, Life Goes On. You can Call It What You Want, but this November Rain is sending me some Good Vibrations and I've got to Live and Let Die. This is The Last Time I want to see you so don't you Gimme No Lip, This Love is over. So go take your Sensible Shoes, hop on your Groovy Train, and Kiss Them For Me. Where You Goin' Now? You Haven't Got A Clue, do ya? Sure it was Love At First Site, but that's Easy Come Easy Go. So Don't Make Me Dream About You, Sam, and Surrender already.

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure

2009-04-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

Obscure Word/Possible Insult:

Hobbledehoy: an awkward, gawky, clumsy, or ungainly youth.

Reserved for younger siblings, incompetent friends, and the non-elderly.

creativity at a price

2009-04-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

So who else out there had the cheap mothers who refused to buy anything more than the twelve pack of crayons? They don't even sell them in that small of packaging anymore. Now you at least get 24 per box. Usually I was sent to school with those free ones you get at restaurants, all three of them. What creations can I make out of red, green, and blue? Grass, sky, and . . . blood. Or a flower. Ya, fabulous. We have saved all of our crayons in an empty ice cream tub, so it looks like we have a lot, except that it just a lot of the same twelve colors, plus a few oddballs that friends accidentally left after coming over to play. Yes, my friends brought their own crayons over because they knew how much mine sucked. All I ever wanted was the nifty little crayon sharpener that was in the back of one of the bigger boxes. That was the sort of box you could just open and smell the creativity. What big kid doesn't like to color? A weird one, that's who.

Oh The Woes

2009-04-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

How I hate April Fools Day. Goodness me. I've decided to compile a list of all of the horrible jokes people tried to play:

My mom told me she was pregnant, and she wasn't. This was the only one I fell for. (background: i continuously ask for another little sister (we need to start over after the first one) but she refuses to accomodate my wish)

"Your shoes untied" They weren't.

"You have some pen on your face" No, I don't.

"Test next hour" You don't even know what my next class is.

"No practice after school" K, don't come.

The worst: "I made-out with your sister" Um . . .

"I ran over your cat this morning" "That was you?" "Um, no (kinda panicked)"

Let's just say that they only got better as the day went on. The worst is when they know that you know that they're lying. And they can't keep that stupid smile off their face. Because I couldn't help but laughing if I ran over someone's cat. How do you even know it was my cat? Did you check it tags after you killed it? I don't even have a cat. So ha.

2009-04-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

Minor freakout. So I heard that they (I don't know who they are) were thinking about (and when I say thinking about I mean actually going to) remaking Footloose. Starring Zac Efron as Ren. No. Wrong. Bad. Happy news. He recently backed out for some reason or another. Phew. Except I'd have to admit I'd love to see a new Ariel. The first one sucks. But I love me some Bacon.

title title

2009-03-31T19:56:00.000-07:00

I made a little short story that really isn't a story out of movie titles from the 70s and 80s. Enjoy?

It all started when the Alien told Audrey Rose that Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Due to Blacula and Blackenstein she now had the China Syndrome. Turns out she was Better Off Dead, even though she had Reason To Live Reason To Die, because even though Diamonds Are Forever, Young Frankenstein had Escaped From Alcatraz, gotten a Clue, and was Coming To America. She was a Woman Under The Influence and he was The Man With Two Brains, it was pretty much inevitable that they were more than just Innocent Bystanders, rather, Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Besides, if the first two hadn't done the job, Dr. Alien would have brought out his Killer Force and Gotcha! (her). The Gauntlet had been dropped and there was nothing to do but Throw Mama From The Train. Once Bitten, she had No Way Out but through the Towering Inferno. What she didn't know was that Scarface, her Secret Admirer, had followed the Gremlins which led him to her Hide Out, which was just a House By The Cemetery. Like Father Like Son, the Little Monsters from The Beyond had All The Right Moves but all The Wrong Guys. Meanwhile, out on the Mean Streets, The Big Boss was busy with Bedknobs And Broomsticks. He had no time to Return To Oz, and had to ask some Boys From Brazi and their Teen Wolf to travel to St. Elmo's Fire for him while he and his Fist Of Fury got Footloose. Next door, some Ruthless People were Running Scare in the Summer Rental while the Boy Who Could Fly tried to Breakdance with The Deer Hunter at The Boyfriend School. One Crazy Summer his Blind Date was trying to Brainstorm ways to be Just One Of The Guys but realized their was No Way Out. Then along came The Last Unicorn saying philosophical things like "Don't Torture A Duckling" and "She's Having A Baby" and "My Best Friend Is A Vampire." After munching on some Mystic Pizza he pranced on his way, taking his Neon Maniacs with him. From Under The Cherry Moon, the Troll was Trading Places with Supergirl. They were trying to Stop Making Sense but the Sudden Impact (new title) Short Circuited their Shock Treatment, causing the Platoon to begin Playing For Keeps. Suddenly The Little Mermaid swam up with a License To Kill and began to set the City On Fire. Since it was Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Flash Gordon could do nothing but sit with A View To Kill.

To Be Continued . . .

is it later yet

2009-03-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Things I've done to postpone writing my essay:

went ice skating
invited myself over to friends' houses
took several naps
ate
practiced piano
thought about others things that I could do instead of writing
read a book . . . a whole book
complained about the cold weather
ate
went to soccer practice (although in this instance I may have rather been writing)
watched several movies, most of them not very good
sat quietly (a big feat)
made pancakes
had a chocolate milk party (you know who you are)
made excuses to my parents as to why I haven't done it yet
wrote this post

2009-03-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yay, more ugly art!

No, in fact this is not ugly, it is wonderful. Masterful. This painting represents commercialism in society and the mixing of opinions. The distortion of the face shows our distortion of mind. By trying to be everything at once and instead of coming out beautiful we turn into monsters of narcissism. Only concerned with how others view us and how we see ourselves. We are influenced by what we see and mimic all.

No, actually this is a self portrait done by a very unfortunate man after a very bad day. After getting up to a beautiful morning with birds chirping and flowers blooming he proceeded to make himself a cup-o-coffee (vanilla walnut) and dress himself in his best attire in mind of his board meeting that morning where he was to be promoted from the sectary's secretary to just plain secretary (one small step on his way to world domination). While driving to his office he saw a squirrel in the road ahead. Assuming the squirrel would run out of the way he continued towards it. The squirrel did not budge; it had just broken up with it's mate and was feeling, currently, very suicidal. The man was forced to swerve out of the way at the last possible moment, causing his coffee to spill into his lap (he had just been about to take a sip), in turn causing him considerable pain and forcing him to release a few choice words. The squirrel, being very angry about not being hit, took off after the car, which had pulled over to the side of the road and few yards ahead. Needless to say, many of the man's injuries could have been prevented had he simply hit the squirrel; but on the other hand, as the squirrel was venting his anger on the man's face, his lady friend saw him and decided to take him back (she had originally left because she thought him a wimp) because of his heroics. The man never regained full function of any of his facial features and is constantly asked what is wrong or why he is in bad mood (due to his permanent frown).

No, in fact the painting was originally of a beautiful woman (whom the painter had hoped to ask out after finishing her portrait) but as the painter was exiting his workshop he ran painting first into a fellow painter carrying a recently painted portrait of his pet bull dog. While the bull dog painting now resembles a woman with a snout, the first painter's work was made masterful and fought over by many prominent collectors. (Unfortunately, after viewing the painting, the woman in fact did not accept the painters offer of a later date. Shame.)

That was all lies, the truth of the matter is that the painter was in fact six years old and was attempting a portrait of her dearest grandma. Needless to say this piece of art did not end up on grandma's refrigerator for all to see, but was labeled "grandpa" and hung over the mantle for all to admire (and snicker at).

yes, no, not relevant

2009-03-19T07:22:00.001-07:00

I think we should try one. (if you don't want to that's ok, I just need this for the word count) I'll start off easy. Just comment your yes or no questions and I can add it to the post.

Here's the story:

A woman murders her husband. Everyone knows about it but she is never brought to trial.

example question:
is the identity of the women important?

example answer:
yes

Did she have a good reason?
yes and no, she had a good reason for doing what she did but what she did wasn't intended to kill him, just gave away a bunch but oh well

Stories with a hole

2009-03-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

It's math-o all over again!!!

These are "stories" that we had to decipher by asking only yes or no questions. Some are kinda like those "whodunnit" stories while others are really twisted. Some are really stupid while others are really wow. It's like you are given the answer and now you have to figure out the story that go along with it. A backwards tale.

I put them in order according to which ones I thought were easiest/hardest:

(easiest) A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

(easy, etc.) A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, coat, gloves and ski mask. He is walking down a back street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

There once was a guy that's just getting on the plane and greets his friend six rows back and got arrested. Why?

A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?

John and Mary were laying dead in a puddle with broken glass. Chester wasn't found. Why is that?

Jill and Ben were racing. Jill pulled ahead and lost the race.

Faye was at a restaurant when suddenly at 12 o'clock, there were cries. A body fell on her table and there was red liquid spilled all over her lap. What happened?

Beulah died in the Appalachians, while Craig died at sea. Everyone was much happier with Craig's death.

A woman brought her car up beside a hotel, and knew immediately that she was about to become bankrupt.

Two men enter a bar. They both order identical drinks. One lives; the other dies.

A man was found in an empty bedroom, no bed, no furniture, just a completely empty room. He was hung. There was no blood, nothing under him, nothing in the room, and the ceiling is 15 feet high. He has been here for about a week now.

A woman murders her husband. Everyone knows about it but she is never brought to trial.

The music stopped. She died. (the answer to this one is really long, contrary to the short prompt)

A man is lying dead in the middle of a desert. The only other thing in sight is a stick. (another long one)

A man goes into a restaurant, orders albatross soup, eats one bite, and kills himself. (long)

2009-03-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

What were they thinking? you might ask. Well, probably that they wanted to live on the side of a cliff and put their lives in the hands/branches of a tree, daily, going out into their sitting room, their life just hanging in the balance. Tree of Life. (bad pun). By the way, this is a real, um, thing. Not photo-shopped.

I kid you not

2009-03-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

Shopping. Check out. There is some crazy woman in line in front of me. Crazy. She has three kids and smells strongly of fish sticks and glitter glue. The three kids have crazy names like Orval and Goncalo and Macky (not their actual names but I don't remember them so this is what they would be). In the line next to me is a clown. Seriously. No lie. She (the woman, not the clown) continues to yell at the children as they beg her to buy some 100 pack of tea candles. The clown and I exchange exasperated expressions (say that three times fast). It takes the woman 15 minutes to check out, and all she bought was a pack of paper and 2 magnets, one featuring a penguin holding a banana and they other, a tank.

2009-03-12T07:23:00.001-07:00

Don't be humble, you're not that great.

How to read minds

2009-03-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ask them to think of the name of a country that starts with a 'D'.
(Denmark)

Then ask them to think of an animal that starts with the last letter of the previous country.
(Kangaroo)

Finally ask them to think of a color that begins with the last letter of the previous animal.
(Orange)

Then place your hand on their head, close your eyes, appear to be thinking very hard, and say in a whispery voice "Orange, you are thinking of an orange."

Did it to both my 5 and 10 year old brothers, they now think I'm amazing.

2009-03-10T14:18:00.001-07:00

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner forty niner,
And his daughter Clementine.

(Someplace out west,
Digging,
There was a rhyming guy,
With a hot daughter. (named after fruit))

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine,
Herring boxes, without topses,
Sandals were for Clementine.

(Small girl,
Big feet.
She wore boxes for shoes,
Cause nothing else fit.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

Drove she ducklings to the water
Ev'ry morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter,
Fell into the foaming brine.

(Chased some duck to the water,
Routinely,
Stubbed her toe,
Fell in the river.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles, soft and fine,
But, alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.

(Dead girl floating,
Dead,
I can't swim,
So she drowned.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

How I missed her! How I missed her,
How I missed my Clementine,
But I kissed her little sister,
I forgot my Clementine.

(Cry, cry,
Blubber,
Kissed her sister.
No Biggie.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

No Title

2009-03-10T14:03:00.001-07:00

New Work Story: more interesting than it sounds. I met this lady at work today, customer, and she began to complain about how the deer were destroying her garden. Blah blah blah. I really don't care about your cabbages. Or whats left of them. Her solution: she shoots them, with her sons paintball gun. Now there are deer running around with blue and purple splatters on them. She also seems to know what the deer are thinking when they see her. She swears that they've nicknamed her "that crazy paint lady" and call her that everytime they see her coming. Little crazy. Good stuff.

to-not-to's

2009-03-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

Things I vow to do when I'm old:

wear pants that come up at least past my belly button
make sure my orthopedics have some sort of glitter or sequin design on them
call everyone younger than me honey or sweetie pie or pumpkin or something of that nature
make old jokes about people older than me or about my age
own at least one piece of leopard print clothing
sing really really really loud at church
have blue hair
wear lots of make-up
talk like I'm still 17
walk around the mall in a sweatsuit (for exercise, instead of shopping)
be really grumpy to everyone I don't know

Don't . . . Touch . . . The Hair

2009-03-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

So i went to get my haircut a few days ago and while i was there there was this guy whose girlfriend was making him get his eyebrows waxed. So funny. To be fair, he did have a lot of eyebrow. He was such a baby about it too. Whimpering before she even put the sticky stuff on, then howling after she ripped them out. Can't say i've ever had it done before but it can't be that bad, can it? Really. There was also this little girl there who got like two inches cut off, couldn't even tell a difference. She ran out of the store crying because she hated it so much. No lie, you couldn't even tell she got it cut, same style, tiny bit shorter. Not even perceptible. The poor haircutter started crying too because she felt to bad. The mom just laughed.

Please, do not try this at home

2009-02-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

New Sport!!!!! Extreme Ironing!!!!! WooHoo!!!!!

2009-02-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

(in a super whiney voice) I WANT MORE FOLLOWERS!!!!!! IF YOU AREN'T CURRENTLY FOLLOWING, DO.

2009-02-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

Working with old people is so exciting. The awareness that anyone of them could keel over at any moment just really keeps the hype up. Harsh, and not true. But still funny. To me. My job is better than yours (sung in a taunting voice).

The Movie Meme

2009-02-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

The Rules:
Pick 30 of your favorite movies.
Find a quote from each movie.
Post them here for everyone to guess.
Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it correctly and the name of the movie.

NO CHEATING (googling/using IMDb/Wikiquote) for those of you guessing.I got this from another blog, and I have to add their caveat that these aren't all exactly good movies, but they are movies I like for various reasons. But I wouldn't call these my favorites; I'm just kind of listing things that come to mind right now, though some come to mind right away. Some I expect people to get instantly. Some I expect no one to get at all. Some may even be from the same movie. I apologize for what some will see as offensive language, but those are some of the best quotations of all. Bonus points if you can tell me who said it. You don't even have to tell me the movie, most of this is just for the sake of word count. (but please do comment)

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." - Airplane! - as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta

"Uh, You almost hit me. Um, look, I just wanted to stop by, basically. Um, see, this is the thing. I, um, uh, whoof. It's wierd. I don't have me behind the door, you know. Close your mouth. Um, 'cause I knew at some point I'd be... you know, right--right here. You know, but I thought that, you know, we'd just ... (makes sqauking noise)... it would just come out, but it's like... (makes tires screeching sound) It's throwing me off." -Hitch- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry

Bartender: [over the noise in the background] How's the game going? Man at Bar: Longest hour of my life. Bartender: [not hearing him] What? Man at Bar: I'm running away with your wife. Bartender: [still not hearing him] Great! [He grins and flashes Man at Bar a thumbs-up] - Ocean's Eleven- as discover by Banch

"What knockers!"- Young Frankenstein- as discovered by a Mr Ayers

"Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?" -My Cousin Vinny- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."

My inner voice that would be saying 'what the fuck am I doing on a gay tour of Tuscany?!'" -Under the Tuscan Sun (kinda obvious)- as discovered by a Ms Mixmaster Mack
"I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My momma didn't raise no foo'!" - Ten Things I Hate About You - as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta

"He love me, he love me. Love me, love me, love me." - The Phantom of the Opera- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta
"Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude." -Ferris Bueller's Day Off- as discovered by a Ms Mixmaster Mack
"And cause I was a gazillionaire, and I liked doin it so much, I cut that grass for free." -Forrest Gump- as discovered by a Ms Mixmaster Mack

[Man karate-chops the tops off three beer bottles] Boy: How did you do that? How did you do that? Man: Don't know. First time.

(this one gets a little hard to follow, so I color coded it for you, just for you, and then got rid of it) Good Kid 1: Watch it, jerk! Bad Kid: Shut up, idiot! Good Kid 1: Moron! Bad Kid: Scab eater! Good Kid 1: Butt sniffer! Bad Kid: Pus licker! Good Kid 1: Fart smeller! Good Kid 2: [sniffs] Ahh. Bad Kid: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek! Good Kid 1: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam! Good Kids: Yeah! Bad Kid: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it! Good Kid 1: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl! [entire group stands in shocked silence]- The Sandlot- as discovered by a Ms Oliver Jorge
"That man... is a brownie hound."

"It's not that I'm not a jealous man. I just don't like other people touching my things." - Moulin Rouge- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta

"We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on."

Man 1: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged. Women: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size. Man 1: Exactly. Women: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker. Man 1: That goes without saying. Women: Voof. Man 2: He's going to be very popular. -Young Frankenstein- as discovered by Mr. Ayers

"I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times."-Chicago- as discovered by a Ms Hockey Flower (oliver, sorry, you were wrong)

Man 1: Who are you, and why are you doing this? Man 2:We are bad men, and for the money!

"I carried a watermelon." -Dirty Dancing- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry
"I tell you what I'd like to do - I'd like to fold a Playboy centrefold into every one of Reverend Shaw's hymnbooks!"

"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!"

"Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water - BAM. A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?"

"Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

"The shit hath hitith the fan... ith." sorry Ms I'm Hungry, that is incorrect - Ten Things I Hate About You- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta

"I speak jive." - Airplane!- as discovered by Mr. Ayers

"Have you anymore to say, Master Nude?"

"Why not just kill them? I'll do it! I'll run up to Paris - bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm back before week's end. We spend the treasure. How is this a bad plan?" - The Count of Monte Cristo- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta

"Mother pus bucket. So . . . she's a dog."

"Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl."

ok, so i thought of a few more, we'll just call these bonus points

"Iris? Oh yeah, she's a big conquest. She's given more rides than Greyhound!"
"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Show me a man that a woman can trust. Now where did it say that on the eighth day He dusteth?"
Mother: Who is down there with you, Mary? Mary: It's George Bailey, mother. Mother: George Bailey? What does he want? Mary: I don't know! [to George] What do you want? George Bailey: Me? Nothing! I just came in to get warm, is all. Mary: [pause] He's making violent love to me, mother!
"Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you." -Tommy Boy- as discovered by Peanut Butter n Jelly
"If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!" - The Producers- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta
"I'll hire the muscular descendants of Roman gods to do the heavy lifting."
Woman 1: I can't believe the Pope is coming! This is better than ice cream! Woman 2: It's better than springtime! Woman 3: It's better than sex! No, I mean - I've heard. - Sister Act- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta
"Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving!" -The Producers- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry
"Guys who drink Kalua and cream are not power guys!"
"Hey - check this out! I found the ass end!"
"I hope you'll be at cheerleading tryouts. We'll have so much fun and get to be lifelong friends."
"Yesssssssssssssssssssssss? sss?" (thanks roxy, o, this isn't part of the quote)
"Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too."
"There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"
"You're gonna need a bigger boat."
"Surely you can't be serious."- "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
"I been savin' this money for a divorce, if ever I got a husband."

Call Me Cool

2009-02-16T08:03:00.000-08:00

Ms Mixmaster Mack and I decided to come up with some band names of our own. Some have definitions by them. If they don't that means it wasn't in the dictionary, even though they are all real words, seriously. Tell me your favorite. Imagine them all being said in a really deep dramatic voice, they sound better that way.

Pseudovary Nonrotation Supercycle

Tawpy Subconcavity

Superindustiousness

Nontangental Unclannishness

Subrictal Nonimperialness

Preexplantion Xerobates

Underbeadle Lancepod

Squintingness Hypoalimentation (affliction of the squints and insufficient or inadequate nourishment)

Waxflowerl And Meeting

Demisability of Cameralism

Equivocacy found Preimpression

Unbedizened Diphylla

Nicaraguan Lawyerbush (nicaraguan stout-stemmed trailing shrub of New Zealand)

Entrada Submediation

Bombacaceous Unslippered (bloodsucking fly without slippers)

Aquilegia Trigonum

Unbombed Grias (anchovy pear tree that has not been bombed)

Make your own by going to the random word generator at http://watchout4snakes.com/creativitytools/RandomWord/RandomWordPlus.aspx and tell me what it is so I can add it to the list.

2009-02-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

This is my attempt to add a link within my post.
Looking for a name for your band? Of course you are. Here's a few ideas: http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/funnyband.html
(ps- some of these aren't the most appropriate)

2009-02-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

We're gonna keep this short and sweet.
My Audience: pretty much just me
Reasons for blogging: it's a grade
Topics of discussion: things I find funny
oh, and if your reading this you are entitled to either follow this blog, or, if you already are, leave a comment on another post

no, let me SHOW you

2009-02-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

So I've developed this really nasty habit of doodling on test essays. Take for example one of the essays on the AP Bio test. It was about ecology. We never learned that. After bs-ing my way through a few sentences I gave up. Then I proceeded to draw a hippo, standing in a pond, under a tree, surrounded by cattails and other weeds, and a few flamingos. Yeah. I'm sure the person correcting my test got a real kick out of that before scoring it a zero. Then again today on the ACT test, during the writing portion, I figured that my time could better be spent drawing turrents with princesses in them and princes looking up at them from the ground, proclaiming their love. Yeah. It was hot.

The Older You Get, The Better Stories You Tell

2009-02-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

Job shadowed, and dear god I've learned so much that I can't wait to share (heavy sarcasm, fyi).

Background: I went to the Adult Daycare Center. It's a place were people sent their parents when they don't want them at home alone and then come pick them up after work. Kinda sad, but not really.

First, the lady sitting next to me, Bonny, who had a very pronounced mustache, decided to educate me on the proper way to castrate a cow. Ew. After that we moved on to milking them. Gross. Then she told me all about her 32 cats and how she was allergic to them, but she still keeps them. She even rattled off all their names to me. All 32 names. Then she told me (this gets a little graphic) how she always had a thing for horse testicles. What? Seriously? This isn't something you share, babe. All the while there is this parakeet in the background who insists on chirping, non-stop. Then the man on my other side, Don, told me all about his pet donkey, Nellie. Nellie was blind. They rode Nellie. Nellie ran into things. Then some lady across the room starts shouting about how when she was a girl they had a turkey, a watch turkey, named Thurman T. Turkey. Thurman liked to chase cars. One year they ate Thurman for Thanksgiving dinner. Ah. Then a man tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I would like to play strip poker with him. AH. Then Kyle, the guy I was shadowing who's voice was exactly like that of Bob the Tomato, steered him away and began singing "Who Broke The Lock On The In-House Door?". Um, k. Next I got to hear stories of Shep, the pet yo-yo. Yes, someone had a pet yo-yo. Meanwhile the bird continues to chirp. Chirp. Then Bob the Tomato said that they were going to sing and that they were going to split the big group into three smaller groups: men, women, and bald people. That was funny. Then they sang. I didn't know the song. That's it.

No I Am Not Wearing A Mask, This Is My Face

2009-02-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

Story Time

Me. In fifth grade. Fine. Parents: We're going to go see disney on ice. Me: meh. Dad finds an ad that says that if you bring your children dressed up as some sort of disney character they get free tickets. Dad gets excited. Dad is cheap. My sister and I are told to put on some dresses from the dress-up-bucket so as to receive our free tickets. Us: No. Parents: Yes. Us: In the name of all that is holy, please, no. Parents: Yes. Us: Grrrr, fine. We are outfitted with hand-me-down hand-me-downs that appear to me made by somebodies great-aunt, who happened to be a nun, and blind. My dress is a lovey shade of shocking-blue and about two feet too small. My sister's is black and made of some sort of velvet that clings to her clothes and makes it look like she is wearing pants, not a dress, which is good because it is big enough to fit a fully grown man and she is in third grade. We defy the laws of disney-characterelle. We are scary looking. It is bad. Mom just laughs. We want to hit something, or her. We arrive to the place where free tickets are being handed out. We are surrounded by three and four year olds dressed up as princesses and dalmations. We refuse to leave the car. Dad goes in and explains that we are too shy to come out and makes us wave to her so that she can see that he isn't lying. We get the tickets. We leave. The show is amazing and I hate every minute of it. The End.

It feels good to get things off your chest

2009-02-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Old Happy

2009-02-05T07:04:00.001-08:00

I have a job shadow today with a music therapist. I pictured this as someone who plays Beethoven for small children. No. It's not. They sing, for old people. Gross. So Miss Mixmaster Mack and I decided to write a few little tunes for them. Here they are:

You are old,
Yes you are,
And you smell like a superstar/smokey bar/broken car/piece of tar. (nothing sounded right)

You are old,
This is true,
I hope I'm never as old as you. (point, but make sure to smile)

Really old people
Scare me to death,
Especially because of
Their really bad breath.

We decided that as long as you sing in a happy voice and smile a lot they won't understand that you are insulting them and all will be fine. Ah, the benefits of hearing aids.

Please Step Back and Try Again

2009-02-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love a good one-hit-wonder? Especially the ones that you are glad that they didn't become famous for a long enough time for them to right anything else. Like the Rednex, so help me if I hear that song ever again. Or Ms. Toni Basil, somehow I can't help picturing Mickey Mouse everytime I listen to that song. Mostly it's obvious that they couldn't trump that one song so why bother trying. Here are my favorites (in this order):

Crash Test Dummies- Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Devo- Whip It

Mountain- Mississippi Queen

Carl Douglas- Kung Fu Fighting

Chumbawamba- Tubthumping

Lipps Inc.- Funkytown

Taco- Puttin On The Ritz

Los Del Rio- Macarena

Thomas Dolby- She Blinded Me With Science

Bobby McFerrin- Don't Worry Be Happy

Right Said Fred- I'm Too Sexy

Twisted Sister- We're Not Gonna Take It

Thurston Harris- Little Bitty Pretty One

Let me know if I missed any, these are all I could think up within 5 minutes.

The Pink Avenger

2009-02-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

Best story of life. Ready? Set? Read:

Walked out of my first hour. Heard some girls talking. Decided to eavesdrop, though they were talking so loud that it really couldn't be considered eavesdropping, more like willingfully not closing my ears. Here is what I heard:
(I didn't know their names so Girl #1 will be dubbed Bernese and Girl #2 will become Moeesha)

Bernese: I hate that f******* b**** so much!
Me: (*what language!?!*)
Moeesha: I know that.
Bernese: Oh she makes me so mad.
Moeesha: We should do something to her.
Bernese: Already did.
Bernese: (*looks smug*)
Moeesha: Wha? No you di-int?
Bernese: Yup.
Bernese: (*continues looking smug*)
Moeesha: Tell me, girl.
Bernese: I stole her . . . crayon.
Moeesha: Shoo, girl, no you di-int?
Bernese: Sure did.
Bernese: (*holds up half a pink crayon*)
Moeesha: (*looks impressed*)
Moeesha: Shoo, girl, what she gonna say when she finds out?
Bernese: Doe-wn care.
(a lot more swearing is done as they turn the corner and walk away, Bernese still holding up the partial pink crayon and Moeesha continuing to look impressed)

*****This is a 100% true story minus the multiple swear words that I left out for grading purposes.

PS- maybe she wanted to make a band-aid, ms. lemon

Oh The Woes of Westdale Mall

2009-02-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

Most Epic Adventure of my LIFE (not):

(WARNING: a lot of complaining and self pity is expressed within the following text)

Roxanne Betta and I arrive at Westdale Mall to volunteer for the public library, moving books. After parking at the wrong end, we locate the library, only to find that there is a hundred long line waiting outside. ??? Next we are handed release forms explaining the dangers of handeling books. At the bottom is a place for a parent consent signature. No parent. 17, 18, what's the different? After filling out our forms and waiting for another 15 minutes we are finally led through a back door, down a back hallway, around a back corner, down another back hallway, down a back staircase, through a back warehouse, around a back corner, down yet another back hallway and into an open hallway. The whole way there is lined with people passing carts along, ones filled with books going down and empty ones going back up. We are added to the end of the line. After about ten minutes of listening to the insane ramblings of the lady next to me who insisted on talking to me, which was fine, but who never raised her voice above a mumble. Fine, whatever. Nod, smile, nod. Then she tips over one of the carts because she tries to push it sideways. Idiot. Sorry. But true. After we all pick up the books the procession starts again. I pass the next empty cart her way. She isn't looking. It puts a dent in the dry wall. My fault. Oy vey. An ungodly amount of time later we decide to leave. But we don't know how to get out. So we go down some hallway. With doors. And doorbells. We ring some. Finally we find that we've ended up where we started. The mumbler tells me that the door right behind me will take us back out into the mall. Drat. Go figure. Oh well. We leave. And yeah.

Ode To A Bug

2009-02-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

There is a bug crawling across my computer screen. So I will write and ode to the bug. Here it goes:

O dear bug
I watch you crawl across my computer screen
And I shiver
In disgust
You are so small
And brown
And ugly
How can and creature bear to be as ugly as you
But you proceed
Across the screen
Do not fear little bug
I will not fetch a kleenex
And squish you
Because as hideous as you are
I can not stand the crack
And pop
You make as I kill you
So for now you shall live
Until I can find another
And have her do the deed
Because you are just too ugly
To let live

O dear bug
I shall name you Jacopo (Ya-cah-poh)
And we shall be friends
Until I kill you
Then we wont be friends
Anymore
Sorry
But not really

Happy February Fools Day!!!

2009-02-01T08:55:00.000-08:00

The Frog Wants You To Follow This Blog

2009-01-30T14:27:00.000-08:00

Listen to the frog. The frog knows.

My Dog Skip

2009-01-30T14:18:00.000-08:00

First off, the title has nothing to do with the post, I just couldn't think of what to call it.

So, I know, who wants to read a post about school, but I got nothing else to write about momentarily. Just found out how they plan to make up those snow days. First off, why don't we have some better system for dealing with them? We live in Iowa for goodness sakes, it's kind of a given that we will have a week of snow days. Why does it always throw people into a tizzy when they come? So now all those half days that we had to help us make it to spring break are gone. Poof. Gone. Full weeks of school until spring break. But the last week of school will be all half days. How that is going to work I have no idea. Supposedly (from the prince) we will have a week of finals. The first day will be zero and first hour. Second day, second and third hour. Etc. We'll get out at eleven fifteen each day. Not positive. But pretty darn sure.

Follow Me

2009-01-29T07:09:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this post and are not a follower of this blog, follow it. I don't care if you ever read any of my posts ever again, I just want more followers. So please, follow me.

Hair Guide

2009-01-29T02:52:00.000-08:00

Just checkin'.

62 Fool Proof Ways to Fail A College Exam . . . With Style

2009-01-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Planning on failing? Go out with style!

So I can't take credit for all of these ideas but I have to say that I definitely did contribute more than my fare share. They were just too funny not to add. Can you imagine being the teacher/professor? Or another student in the class? Good stuff! Don't skip any, the really good are mixed in with the good, plus, it took me forever to come up with most of these!!!

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. Get really into it.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
Bring pets. (real or stuffed)
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” Sit back down. 15 minutes later, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes with a new holiday (ex: Happy Kwanzaa, Jolly Ede, Happy Hanukkah).
Giggle and blush after reading every question like it says something inappropriate.
Do the exam with crayons, finger paint, and/or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Vulgar language is not necessary, and random words will do, like the answers to the test.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
Glare at the professor during the entire exam. If they look up at you, quickly look away and resume glaring once they've stopped looking at you.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start loudly commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly, humming your own triumphant background music.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
Show up pretending to be completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day, several times.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera,” run around, waving your cap at people and singing to them until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
Adopt multiple personalities partway through the test and begin to argue loudly with yourself about whether the person next to you is good looking or not.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Don't write anything on your paper/booklet/ whatever. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam claiming the person three seats down was cheating off your paper.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip your socks off and drape them over the chairs on either side of you.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. Objects beside an actual frisbee may be used.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice, like the pencil of the person next to you, or the actual person.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”.
Come to the exam wearing a cape. Ten minutes in duck under your desk and role out onto the floor. Proceed to scale the perimeter of the room all the while humming the theme song to Mission Impossible.
Faint dramatically every 10 minutes. Be sure to twitch and mumble while laying on the floor, then pop back up and resume testing like nothing happened.
Halfway through the exam stand up and begin to dance like you have to go to the bathroom. Continue testing. If the professor asks you if you need to go to the restroom inform him/her that you are perfectly capable of containing yourself. Act offended.
At some point, pull a bath towel from your bag, drape it over your shoulders and exclaim to the person nearest you "I am Batman, come, Robin, to the Batcave!!!"
See how far you can tip back in your chair without falling over. Commentate on your activity like the announcers at a sporting event.
Cry loudly during the entire testing period. Refuse to except any tissues and blow your nose on your exam. Don't forget to turn it in.
Once the test has begun, slid down under your desk and crawl around on the floor seeing how many people's shoelaces you can tie together.
Attempt to take the test while sitting on the lap of the person next to you.
Become enraged at your pencil. Break it in half. Then proceed to hold a funeral for it, asking others to say something nice about it as well.

Fo'eva Fo'eva

2009-01-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

Me. Sitting at lunch. Something hits me (ok, so it didn't really hit me, it hit the person next to me but for the purpose of the story, it hit me). It's a ring. It says forever on it. Somebody threw their promise ring at "me". Seriously? Um, ok. That's cool. The best part was the ring itself. I was this plastic little thing with 'forever' written across it and little purple stars on the side. Can you say GORGEOUS? Who gives someone a promise ring anyway? Isn't that kinda the idea of a engagment ring, only cheap? No offence to anyone out there with your promise rings and all, but honestly, why? What's the point? We're in highschool.

Paint Me Pink

2009-01-22T14:13:00.000-08:00

If you hadn't gathered it thus far, I'm a girl. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Anyway, last easter I got some coupon to get a manicure. And boy was I excited (heavy sarcasm). After finding it beneath a pile of papers I realized that it expired that day. Drat. So I drug myself to the nail place so as not to insult my mother by not using the coupon. Who knew that there were man manicurists? Not me, that's for sure. And let me tell you they are, um, interesting. First off, he spoke to fast for me to understand a word he was saying, and it wasn't because his english was bad or anything, it was just that every time he spoke he was bookin' it. As I entered he said something along the lines of hihowmayihelpyou? Me: silent. Then, beg pardon? WhatcanIdoforyoutoday? Um, manicure? (I still wasn't sure what he said but I could kinda guess) Okyousitthere. (He pointed and I sat) Then he proceeded to file/buff(?) my nails and clip off the cuticle(?) (I don't really know my nail terms, obviously) Next I got some weird hand massage. Wierd. Whatcoloryouwant? Um . . .? Colorwhatcolor? (Again he points) Red? And that was that.

Blind Attraction

2009-01-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

Not much of a planner but I already know what going on during spring break. Me and ms. mixmaster mac have decided to test the American patience by traveling to the mall-o-america. While our presence will probably cause strain enough, we have decided to see how far we can push it. After acquiring some walking stick canes from who knows where, our sight will magically, yes magically, disappear. We will proceed to roam the mall, whacking anyone in our way and even those who aren't. After conversing with a few non-chatty mannequins we will make our grand exit by running into a few things and just generally making a mess. This is not slander against the blind, but merely an experiment as to the reactions of those lucky enough to serve witness. And that's only the first day.

Next we will serve as a tribute to all our fellow pirates. After attaining some frilly shirts and a fake, though preferably real, parrot, named kamiko, we will parade through the halls, brandishing our (plastic, we don't want to get arrested) swords, exclaiming "Arg" "Shiver me timbers" and "Ahoy" to all.

Yet next, while still dressed as pirates, we will turn to thinking we are cats. Oh yes, cats, adopting the names tyrese (mac) and olya, or maybe huagh or alverna (me), can't decide, yet. Then the competition begins to see who can be petted (indeed a made-up word) more. I will win.

Skip

2009-01-22T07:22:00.000-08:00

I write this blog assuming that no one reads anything I say. It is for my own entertainment, and grade. Rarely do I have the time to browse others' blogs and I am kinda assuming that this applies to others as well. My theme is anything that I find interesting/funny/worth mentioning. Very broad topic. But it gets the job done. If anyone actually does read this blog then, well, good for you. I have nothing more to say.

Use Complete Sentences

2009-01-20T14:11:00.000-08:00

Signing up for classes is soooo depressing. I don't want to think about next year!!! Especially now!!! It's the dead period that falls between 'winter' break and spring break. When classes get hard. And we're asked which ones we want to take next year. Hard classes? I think not. Anyway . . .

If I could be anything (future job) I would want to be a 'future employee interviewer'. How incredably fun would that be. You could scare the hell out of the poor kid and then begin to ask questions like "How many hats do you have in your house?" or "What is your favorite type of umbrella?" I can just imagine the looks on their faces. And if they laughed you could go all Vulcan on them and be like "That is not funny." Too much fun. I already came up with a list of questions I can use and everything:

1. How do you rate me on a scale of one to five? (don't say which is better

2. What would be your first question to people of Antarctica?

3. Which is you favorite foreign language?

4. If I take a look inside your refridgerator, what would I find?

5. If you were alone in a desert, what would your first thought be?

6. What type of food do prefer to be armed with during a food fight?

7. Why am I asking you these questions?

8. Do you like Jerry, or Tom?

9. Could you sing me your favorite song?

10. How would you react if you were transformed into a fish?

Breaking the Camera

2009-01-19T12:53:00.000-08:00

Just got our school pictures back a few days ago. Can't complain. Definitely better than last year. The thing that I find ridiculous/hilarious are the pictures of those who went out of their way to make sure they looked good on picture day. Their pictures don't even slightly resemble them. Sometimes this is a good thing, but mostly not. I totally don't understand the point of getting all dressed up. Sure, you want to look nice/clean, but is that really how you want people to remember you (if they can recognize you)? Seriously, folks? It's getting kinda out of hand here. While picking mine up last year I got to watch the lady shuffle through the piles of photos. First she tried to hand me one of a girl with red-ish contacts, blonde hair, who appeared to have sneezed immediatly before the camera clicked. Slightly insulting. I gave it back. Next I recieved one of a boy. I am not a boy. Do I look like a male? Slightly more than slightly insulting. I handed it back. The third envelope shoved into my hand didn't even have any pictures in it. Come on! Ignoring her protests I came behind the counter and rifled through the box until I found mine. People (exasperaed sigh)!

The worst part of pictures is the angry camera people. Why are they so infuriated all the time? Their job entails, what, telling a kid to smile and then pushing a button? Oh, and you also have to alphabetize their forms. What horror! Plus, I totally miss the nicknames they used to give us. That was the best part of picture day, running back to the classroom to compare who got called what. But no. Not anymore. The name calling has stopped. What a bummer.

Somebody Has To Say It

2009-01-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Today I fancy myself and art interpreter. This painting was another masterpiece in the collection of "Bad Painting, Good Art". Lovely.

(serious voice) This painting could been seen in a number of lights. Perhaps the broken body(?) represents the way the girl feels inside. Perhaps the girl is crying because a vicious animal devoured part of her sister. Perhaps, midway through the painting, the artist got fired and dismembered the second child.

The broken body appears not to be hollow on the inside, ruling out the idea that it was a doll, possibly massacred by a older brother, or dog. Just FYI.

I think that the girl, Irving, is not crying for the body/doll/unidentifiable object, but because she embarrassed to be wearing such an ugly dress, which is way too short, exposing her horribly pale legs, probably picked out by her mother or blind aunt, who are currently trying to persuade her to smile for the family photo. She also cries because they gave her such a horrible name. Irving. Ugh. The object behind the girl is actually not a body at all, but the grandma's dog's chew toy. Totally unimportant. And there you have it, another painting, completely analyzed. Let me know if you disagree, though I don't see how you could. My logic is absolutely sound. Absolutely.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa, um, yeah, ranked forth this year in the category of "Small but Eventful" places. Are we serious? We have, what, Quaker Oats, and, um, we used to have a Science Station, and, well, let's see, we do good on ITEDs, which is pretty impressive (heavy sarcasm), and, yeah, that is about it. False. Guess what? We are actually the Betty Crocker Frosting Capital of the World. Yes, the world. Pretty, impressive, I know. Please, contain your enthusiasm, folks. Sure, we may smell, we may be boring, and we may say things like "Cock in the hen house", but who out there can claim the responsibilty for all of the frosting made in the world. (crickets chirping) Yeah, we rock.

On a different note, our hotels were ranked among the crappiest in the nation. Good thing we have no reason to stay in one.

A Friend I Have Yet To Meet

2009-01-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

Phone rang. Picked up phone. Looked at number. Never heard of number. Opened phone anyway.
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello?
Me: (*No, I just said that, you can't repeat what I say, I say hello because I don't know who you are and I am waiting for you to introduce yourself. You can't repeat what I just said like your unsure of who you're talking to. You called me. Idiot.*)
Pause.
Them: Hello?
Me: (*You already said that.*)
Me: Hello?
Them: Um, who is this?
Me: (*No, you called me, I'm suppose to be the one asking that question.*)
Me: (*Recited name?*)
Me: (*Like I'm not sure if that's what it is. Idiot.*)
Them: Oh, I think I have the wrong number.
Me: Who are you?
Them: Is Dave there?
Me: No, who are you?
Pause.
Me: (*I'm waaaiiitttiiiinnnnggg.*)
Phone: (*goes dead*)
Me: (*redials number*)
Phone: (*rings*)
Them: Hello?
Me: This is Dave.
Them: Um . . . Dave?
Me: Yup.
Them: Dave -------
Me: Yup.
Them: Who would you like to speak with?
Me: You.
Them: I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Nope.
Phone: (*goes dead*)
Me: (*giggle*)
Me: (*redials number*)
Phone: (*rings*)
Phone: (*continues ringing*)
Answering Machine: Leave a message!
Me: Hey, this is Dave. I just wanted to let you know that I think it would be better if we were just friends. K? Sorry to have to tell you this over the phone. Call me.
Me: (*giggle, feeling like a total creeper*)

Money for the Blind

2009-01-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

Story of the day:

Just got done at work. Recieved paycheck. Drove to bank. Cashed check. Wondered why their were brale markings on the drive up atm?

Misleading Reading

2009-01-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

Most definitely already know what I want for Christmas next year. Take a look at these:

How amazing are these book covers. "The Nutritional Benefits of Nose Picking" "How to Steal From Your Neighbor" "Do It Yourself Liposuction" "Fast Track to Prison" "Laser Eye Surgery At Home" and " Perfecting the Art of Fart Projection". I so want to have one to carry around on a book at school. It would be so funny just to watch people stare at it, knowing that they really want to open it up and read it.

My favorite would have to be this one:

"How to Murder A Complete Stranger and Get Away With It." Amazing. This would definitely be a good one to read while one a bus or subway with other people. You could even throw in a few shifty glances, just to complete the look.

World's Ugliest Couch Awards

2009-01-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

Here they are, folks, the results of the World Wide Ugliest Couch Contest of 2008, hot off the printers and ready to be shared with you:

In a stunning First Place: "(My) God! Save the Queen"

I, personally, liked this couch. It looks like the sort of furniture that would spark conversation and could be lied about very easily. "Yes, you see my couch here, it came all the way from the queen's palace. One of her favorite pieces. A personal friend of my grandmother. Sent to us as a wedding present. Dined with her last summer. Charming lady, absolutely charming."

In a not so stunning Second Place, the scrupulous "The Scrap-Booker's Hell"

This is a couch that thinks its a stain glass window. There was a little mix up in the shipping and when the pieces for the window arrived, look what they got instead. It will go very well with the rest of the church's decor I'm sure. It's not like they could donate it to the poor, no one would want it.

In a very close Third Place: "Sherbet a la Mode"

This puppy looks like a cross between a fanatic gardener and a tropical vacation gone wrong. The combination of floral and vegetable designs mixed with the eccentric color choices makes for one heck of any room's focal point. Unable to sit down for fear of being sunk into the vast mixture of horrendous home decor and nightmare like finger paintings, guests will only be able to stare and gawk.

In Fourth Place, my personal favorite: "The Magic Carpet"

Does it not look like this couch could just fly? I mean really? Whoever thinks this couch is ugly should be slapped. It's B-E-A-UTIFUL. Seriously, where can I get me one?

Here is the winner from 2007: "Hold On To Your Kilts, Gents"

Just looking at this couch makes me want to adopt a Scottish accent. I especially like the lack of legs. Who wants to sit up high anyway? I would much rather look up at people when I talk to them.

The 2006 winner was: "Trash"

I don't think you should be able to submit dirty couch's into the contest. They just have to be naturally ugly, though I think this one falls under that category as well.

The winner of 2005 was: "Camouflage Me Not"

Wonder where I'm going to sit? I really like the way they mixed the floral pattern with dirt. It's like the flowers are growing right out of the stuffing. Amazing. Amazing.

And last, and probably tied for least, the winner of 2004: "Stranded at the Drive-In"

No offence, honey, but your not really helping the couch any, though I especially like you creativity in the front leg.

Obamanation

2009-01-01T15:59:00.000-08:00

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

As it is the beginning of the new year I have come up with a list resolutions to better myself in the upcoming year.

From now on I will . . .

remember to replace the gas hose before I drive away.

always wear clean underwear, "just in case."

keep a safe distance when driving behind a police car.

think of a more clever password for my e-mail account than ''password''.

not text, e-mail, and talk on the phone with the same person all at one time.

balance my checkbook (on my nose).

not sing back to people every jingle I hear on the radio.

This New Year's theme is "Try Again."

2008-12-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

After spending an oh so fun filled weekend with the Grand Parents, I found, to my absolute horror, that I had, in fact, picked up some of the vernacular commonly used by the old. Warsh, for example, was a part of my vocabulary for about the next three days. Warsh? you say. Yes, indeed, warsh. Warsh the dishes. Throw your clothes in the warsh. Has this cup been warshed. I had obtained the opposite of a Boston accent, instead of droppin my 'r's, I gained them. Old. The trash had also undergone a transformation and was now 'The Rubbish'. So next to my psuedoboston dialect I now sounded british. Terrible. Why can't old people just talk normal. Nobody says warsh or rubbish, or crick, for that matter. The word creek has two 'e's in it for a reason. And Melk, yes Melk, not milk, but Melk. Needless to say, if the lipstick stains on my cheeks hadn't throw me over the edge, the oldish jargon would have done the job plenty.

Guitar Hero?

2008-12-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

Let's analyze this painting for just one moment. Take a good look. Don't skip over any details. Now contrary to what you are thinking, this was not finger painted by a five year old. I was infact showcased in the Vienna Musem of Art in an exibit titled Bad Painting-Good Art, which consisted entirely of paintings of equal quality, this one was just my favorite. Again, I know what you're thinking, I could do better with a blowtorch and a tank of gasoline, but these paintings actually sell for some big bucks. Now back to analyzing the picture, personally, I think it represents the evils of fame. He(?) appears to be holding a guitar of some sort but he is not playing. His eyes are out of focus because he is thinking about his next paycheck. His overall image is blurred and there is nothing going on in the background. What is on his hand? Perhaps it's his black soul spread to every region of his being (oh, that was deep). His smile appears to be "painted" on, and why is he putting his hands in his pocket? Maybe he needs to reapply his eyeliner. Or his high is wearing off. My moneys on the eyeliner. So you see, this isn't an ugly painting at all, just a misunderstood piece of philosophy.

Misunderstood Marriage

2008-12-18T18:06:00.000-08:00

Um, let's say wedding cakes show how successful a marriage will be. What do we think this one says? Wrong. The husband isn't running away, the wife is just giving him a neck massage while he's doing the hokey pokey. Who has a cake like this at their wedding? Sure it might be funny for like ten minutes, but after everbodies done giggling you're just going to move into a very awkwark silence, leaving everybody wondering about the security of the marriage. Yeah, "congradulations, and, um, good luck?" Just what every women wants to hear on the happiest day of her life. Wonder who picked the cake out. My bet is on the best man, but that's just a stab in the dark.

Da, Dum, Da Dum

2008-12-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

Shall we, um, cut the bride/cake?

Question?

2008-12-17T15:01:00.000-08:00

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Summing Up Some Pretty Crappy Movies So You Don't Have To Watch Them

2008-12-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

Black Beauty

Boy finds horse.
Horse complains.
Horse runs away and finds new owner.
Horse runs away and finds newer owner.
Horse runs away and finds newerer owner.
Horse runs away and finds newererer owner.
Horse goes back to boy.
The End.

Bridge to Tarabithia

Boy meets girl.
They are bored.
They go to a magical world.
Girl drowns.
The End.

10,000 B.C.

D'Leh: Ah! My daddy left meh.
Unimportant Crowdfolk: Shame!
(*several years later*)
Buff D'Leh: I luv yeh, Evolet!
Evolet: Um. . . k
(*Evolet captured by horse-people*)
Evolet: AHHHHH!!!
Tigers and Mammoths: Rahr!
Buff D'Leh: I save yeh, Evolet.
(*he does*)
Unimportant Crowdfolk: Yay!
The End.

Disturbia

Kid: My dad died. I'm going punch a teacher.
(put under house arrest)
Kid: (mopes)
Girl: I'm hot and stuff.
Kid: k.
(spies on creepy neighbor)
Kid: That guy is weird.
(spies on him some more, gets scared)
Kid: omg i think he killed someone
(breaks into his house and almost gets killed to death)
Kid and Girl: (make out)
The End.

The Break Up

Guy and Girl meet.
Guy and Girl fight.
Guy and Girl break up.
Guy and Girl meet up and stand in an awkward silence.
The End.
(never saw that one coming)