Summing Up Some Pretty Crappy Movies So You Don't Have To Watch Them

Black Beauty

Boy finds horse.
Horse complains.
Horse runs away and finds new owner.
Horse runs away and finds newer owner.
Horse runs away and finds newerer owner.
Horse runs away and finds newererer owner.
Horse goes back to boy.
The End.


Bridge to Tarabithia

Boy meets girl.
They are bored.
They go to a magical world.
Girl drowns.
The End.


10,000 B.C.

D'Leh: Ah! My daddy left meh.
Unimportant Crowdfolk: Shame!
(*several years later*)
Buff D'Leh: I luv yeh, Evolet!
Evolet: Um. . . k
(*Evolet captured by horse-people*)
Evolet: AHHHHH!!!
Tigers and Mammoths: Rahr!
Buff D'Leh: I save yeh, Evolet.
(*he does*)
Unimportant Crowdfolk: Yay!
The End.


Disturbia

Kid: My dad died. I'm going punch a teacher.
(put under house arrest)
Kid: (mopes)
Girl: I'm hot and stuff.
Kid: k.
(spies on creepy neighbor)
Kid: That guy is weird.
(spies on him some more, gets scared)
Kid: omg i think he killed someone
(breaks into his house and almost gets killed to death)
Kid and Girl: (make out)
The End.


The Break Up

Guy and Girl meet.
Guy and Girl fight.
Guy and Girl break up.
Guy and Girl meet up and stand in an awkward silence.
The End.
(never saw that one coming)

bad reviews

The movie critics came out with a list of the top 200 worst movies of the last 10 years, with a few exceptions.

Here are the ones I've seen and wholeheartedly agree should be on that list (in no particular order):

1. Baby Geniuses- Hey, guys, lets make a movie about really smart babies who also happen to be really strong, and, ready for the twist? Two of them are twins, freaky, I know!

2. Pinocchio (the real people version)- Um, creepy. Some people just were not born to wear tights.

3. The Covenant- Wait, how about a movie about teenagers with magic powers, now where have I heard that before?

4. Dr. Suess' The Cat in the Hat- Hold on, what if we film a beloved children's book and cast a real creeper as the main character? Brilliant!

5. Joe Dirt- A beloved film about an abandoned child searching for his long lost parents; except that the child is really an adult who works as a janitor and has a mullet. FABULOUS!

6. Billy Madison- In order to gain control of his father's hotel business, Billy, a fully grown man, must retake kindergarten through 12th grade. And the good part begins where?

7. The Zodiac- So there's this killer on the loose but instead of looking for him we're just gonna mope around and yell at each other. Good plan guys!

(to see the entire list go to http://www.metacritic.com/video/lowscores.shtml)

Here are the ones I thought they missed . . .

1. The Break Up- You'll never guess what happens!

2. Ghost Rider- So theres this ghost who happens to be somewhat of a pyromaniac, right, and he rides a motorcycle, end of story.

3. Napoleon Dynamite- um . . . crap.

4. Jumper- Now you see him, now you see the mess he left behind. Great story line guys.

5. Clueless- Needless to say, if Jane Austen were still alive, she'd sue.

6. Disturbia- The name pretty much does it justice.

Hidden Knowledge

Here's some unexpected knowledge gained from the movies:

• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• Large, loft-style apartments in New York City (or Paris) are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
• When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
• If and when a dog enters the story . . . it will not end well.

More Bad Movie

The Covenant
(title creativity: 0)


(starting scene: some party in the woods around a campfire)
Hot Guys: We're hot.
Girls: They're hot.
Bad Guy: I like spiders . . . and watching girls shower.
Police: Damn kids.
Party Goers: Lets all leave quickly in one vehicle without putting out the fire and leaving all of our cars behind, nobody will ever suspect a thing.
Party Goers: (*escape*)
Police: Damn kids.
(back at dorms)
Girl: Wow, 2 am already? Time for my shower.
Girl: (*showers*)
Lightbulb: (*break*)
Girl: Oh my, the lightbulb broke, the best thing for me to do in this situation would be to walk around barefoot and inspect the bathroom in just my towel, showing off all my gaudy tattoos.
(in some pool area)
Hot Guys: (*in speedos two sizes too small*)
Hottest Guy: Let's race.
Bad Guy: k
Bad Guy: (*wins race with magic powers*)
Hottest Guy: (*mopes*)
(at bar, even though their all still in high school)
Girl: I like dance.
Girl: (*dances in a dress possibly formerly owned by her dead great grandmother*)
Hot Guys: (*fight with magic powers*)
Girl: (*mopes*)
(back a dorm)
Girl's Roommate: My skin is erupting in disgusting looking pustules, I think I'll go to the doctor.
Girl: k
Bad Guy: (*enters room magically disguised as the hot guy*)
Bad Guy: Hey baby.
Girl: Um . . .
Hottest Guy: (*enters*)
Hottest Guy: Hey baby.
Bad Guy: (still disguised as hottest guy) Hey.
Girl: Um . . .
Bad Guy: Abra Cadabra!
Girl: (*turns bluish*)
Hottest Guy: Shit.
(here we have some unintentional man-to-man, lip-to-lip contact)
Hottest Guy: Blah!
Bad Guy: Give me your magic.
Hottest Guy: k
Bad Guy: Really?
Hottest Guy: Psych, gotcha!
Bad Guy: (*disappears with enough mystery left for there to be a sequel*)



(In essence this is a really bad movie, except for the actors, bravo to whoever did the casting.)

Story Line: bad
Special Effects: bad
Whole Idea of Magic Powers: BAD
Originality: None (someone was a little obsessed with Harry Potter)
Script: bad
Mood: bad (you can't have intense action, intense romance, intense comedy, and intense drama)

Never Eat Slimey Worms

Let's start with listing the differences between the book and the movie, because, thank goodness, there are way less differences than similarities.

1. The classic, always recognizable Ruby Slippers are no more (*cue horror music*), instead we find that they are actually meant to be silver, SILVER!!! How hard is it to transfer that one little fact from words to motion picture? Was ruby some one's favorite color? Or did we just feel like mixing things up a little bit, cause let me tell you, its scandalous my friend, ruby vs silver, what is this world coming to?


2. Next we are introduced no only to the Good Witch of the North, but also the Good Witch of the South. This I give props to, they managed to combine the two witches by simply naming the Witch of the North after the Witch of the South, very sneaky; and it only makes sense to have one good witch. If you have one bad witch you can't have two good witches; the good vs evil dichotomy just doesn't fit then. It works fine in the book because the second wicked witch is emphasized more, blah blah blah, when in the movie all we ever get from her are the color-confused slippers and shriveled up feet.


3. In the book, during the journey across Winkie Country, which is the ugliest name for a country and would have received a lot of raised eyebrows had it been included in the movie, they encounter a lot more obstacles, such as wolves, bees, crows, and the ever terrifying Winkie Soldiers (*jaws theme song*). In the movie, all they meet is the Wicked Witch of the West and some sleep inducing flowers (NO!!! NOT POPPIES, AHHHHH!!!)


4. Also, in the movie, each "friend" Dorothy picks up along the way, apparently she's a very friendly person, happens to resemble the workers on her farm (only slightly weird), while in the book they don't. Enough said.


5. And what happened to the Golden Cap? Hum? I liked that part; it was like having a genie with three wishes, except they were monkeys and all they could do was fly you three places, but that was still way magical. But no. They just do the bidding of the Wicked Witch of the West, who also happens to resemble somebody from Dorothy's actual life (slightly more weird).


6. But the biggest, most scandalous, inexcusable, anger inducing reality: the Emerald City isn't really emerald!!! Who knew? (except those who have taken time to appreciate the original, and definitely better version of a most beloved film). Obviously someone was having trouble keeping their colors straight.


7. And last, and probably least, at no point do we sing about going "some where over the rainbow," which, to be quite honest, I always fast forward through when watching the movie (*snore*).

Child? Star

First off, who ever cast John Menga as Dill needs to have their brain checked. Dill is supposed to be this cute little boy with blond, almost white hair. Not a scrawny, sickly little kid with greasy black hair, huge ears, and a serious case of buckteeth mixed with a huge overbite. Sorry, but that just doesn't sound cute to me. Plus, compared to Jem (Phillip Alford) and Scout (Mary Badham) who are absolutely adorable, he looks like a little monster. In the book he comes across as a vulnerable little boy just looking to make some friends, but in the movie all you want to do is grab hold of Jem and Scout and shield them from his wrath of monstrosity.


Otherwise the movie is ok.


The original book by Harper Lee is such a good mix of racial issues mixed with human morals. By convicting Tom Robinson, the jury puts their prejudices ahead of their morals. They know he is innocent, but because he is black they convict him anyway. And when he tries to escape and they kill him instead of just wounding him shows how hard the county was shook by the whole incident. Especially Jem, whose whole idea of justice has just been shattered.


While reading, you can sense the story from every one's point of view. You can understand why Mayella lies, why the townspeople are against Tom Robinson in the beginning, and why Boo Radley never comes out. Even if you don't agree with their choices, you understand why they chose what they did.


Plus the whole "to kill a mockingbird" idea follows you throughout the whole story. Is Boo the mockingbird, or it Tom Robinson? Here we see the death of innocence. To kill a mockingbird is a sin, and yet we do it, again and again.


And then you have the nice little twist of Boo Radley stabbing his own father. After he was convicted of locking the county beadle in the court outhouse his father locked him up in the house for fifteen years. After stabbing his father, he was locked up in the courthouse basement, only to be sent home by insisting county council. Even after his father died and his brother moved in he still wasn't seen and it was rumored that his brother was continuing to keep him locked up. In the end we found out that most of this is a lie; that they're not keeping him locked up, but that he just never leaves the house.

In Real Life

Let's start of with some differences between book and movie:

1. The books does a lot more to show just how smart Matilda really is. It lists the books she reads, and the benefits of them. It also talks about how good of a cook she is. In the movie we see her walking to the library and making pancakes, yeah, excellent representation (with heavy sarcasm).

2. Another major difference from movie to book is the idea of Matilda's powers. In the movie, once realizing her powers she quickly is able to use them flawlessly, while in the book it takes much practice and energy before she is really able to control them. (In the book) it is thought that her powers come from all the extra energy she has in her head, which is why she loses them when she goes to college, because she has to think a lot more. In the movie, she just decides to stop using them, for the most part.

3. The movie also appears to take place in America, as opposed to Great Britain. A small difference, but curious in that it was really a necessary change in the first place. Oh well.

4. Another issue not discussed in the movie is the idea of Ms. Honey's poverty and her servitude under the Trunchbull. While it is implied that she suffers under the hand of the Trunchbull, no specific reference is made to show any kind of monetary exchange between them (mainly the giving up of all of Ms. Honey's salary).

5. My favorite difference is the monitoring of all the "violence" that takes place in the book. For example, the girl who is thrown by her pigtails by the Trunchbull does not land on her face, but is saved by Matilda and lands in a field of flowers. Ahhhhh. Or the boy who is thrown from the window for eating candy during class, which is mentioned, but otherwise ignored in the movie.


On a different note, I think the younger version of Matilda should have been the main character in the movie, the one they originally showed going to the library. She was so much cuter and while it was impressive to watch a plain seven year old take care of herself, it would have been better to watch the very cute five year old. But whatever.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

EveryWho Down in Who-ville Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Grinch,Who lived just north of Who-ville, Did NOT!

The Grinch, a bitter, cave dwelling creature, lives at the top of the snowy Mount Crumpit. With his heart "two sizes too small," he looks down from his home with his dog, Max, on the festivities taking place down in Whoville for the upcoming Christmas season. He his jealous of the Who's happiness and decides that he will steal all of the Christmas presents and decorations in an attempt to keep Christmas from coming. After being thwarted by a tiny Who girl, the Grinch learns that Christmas is more than just presents and decorations, and that he in fact can't stop Christmas from coming. Upon returning the presents and decorations back to the people of Whoville, his heart grow three sizes and he is warmly welcomed into the community.

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight, He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast! And he...

...HE HIMSELF...! The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Dr. Seuss's "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," has become widely popular, with it's heart warming tale of an outcast learning how to accept others and be accepted, all while being surrounded by the joys of Christmas. Published in 1957, it has been made into two movies, one in 1966 and the other in 2000. The first rendition follows the story line to a "t," while the other version has adapted a slightly different style while still following the same basic story line.

Personally, I think the 2000 version is absolutely terrible. The Grinch isn't portrayed as scary, just disgusting, Cindy Lou does much more than ask for a cup of water, and the Whos cry when the Grinch steals their presents instead of being happy that it was Christmas, with or without the presents. That's the whole moral of the story and they totally twisted it. The presents aren't supposed to matter, and the only time they don't matter is after the Grinch has returned them. Maybe it's just me but I kind of think we're missing the point here.

A Disney Depiction

Ariel (she actually has a name this time), is a sixteen year old mermaid, unhappy with her life under the sea. She is curious about the human world and, with the help of her friend Flounder, a fish, she collects artifacts from the world above. Knowing full well that any contact between merpeople and humans is strictly forbidden, she travels to the surface to watch the birthday celebration for Prince Eric. Ariel, upon seeing the prince, falls madly in love with him; and when a terrible storm hits, she rescues him and returns him to the shore unconscious. She sings to him, but when he begins to stir, she dives back under the water, leaving him with only a vaque impression of the girl with the beautiful voice who saved him. He vows to find her, just as she vows to find a way to join him on land.
(Spoilers Ahead)

When Ariel's father, King Triton, learns of his daughter's adventure, he destroyes all of her human treasures, forbidding her from ever visiting the surface again. Out of anger and desparation, Ariel invokes the help of the evil sea witch, Ursula. Ursula promises to give Ariel legs, but at the cost of her voice, which Ursula captures in a shell she wears around her neck. She also must kiss the prince within three days or she will transform back into a mermaid and belong to Ursula. Ariel recieves her legs and is helped to the surface by her sea friends, no cutting her tail in half, no walking on knives.

On, the shore, she is found by Prince Eric, who at first thinks she is the girl who saved him, but discards that idea when he finds out she cannot speak. He helps her to the palace where the servants decide that she must be a shipwreck survivor. After a few "almost kisses," Ursula becomes worried that Ariel may succeed, so she transforms her self into a human, Vanessa, and gives herself Ariel's voice. Upon hearing Vanessa's "voice" Prince Eric falls into a trance and says that he and Vanessa are to be married the next day.

When Scuttle, the bird, descovers that Vanessa is really Ursula, he hurries to tell Ariel and they both rush off to stop the wedding. When the shell holding Ariel's voice is broken, her voice is returned and Prince Eric is released from his trance. Realising that Ariel is indeed the girl who saved him, he rushes to kiss her, but the sun sets first and Ariel turns back into a mermaid and is captured by Ursula and taken back to her lair. Here, King Triton sacrafices himself for his daughter and Ursula declares herself Queen of the Oceans. Prince Eric and Ariel both fight against Ursula and when she is defeated, all of the spells are lifted and King Triton is freed. Seeing how much Ariel truly loves Eric, he transforms her back into a human so that she might stay with him.

A Surprisingly Good Rendition

In this non-literary portrayal of "Of Mice and Men," the very challenged Lenny (John Malkovich) is seen strolling along in a carefree style alongside George (Gary Sinise). The picture lightens as they make their way to the clearing in the forest. Birds are singing, and squirrels are chattering, as the brook bubbles happily in the background. Curlely is played by Casey Siemaszko, Curley's wife is played by Sherilyn Fenn, Slim is played by John Terry, Candy is played by Ray Walston, and Crooks is played by Joe Morton.

Whoever wrote the script for this film should receive no credit whatsoever!!! Each line is taken exactly from John Steinbeck's original story. EVERY LINE!!! I realize that viewers get mad when the screen writers deviate from the original story line, but playing out the book line for line is taking it a little too far. I've read the book, I know what happens, add a little scandal, more of a climax. I'm not saying that we should leave out entire chunks of the story, but maybe just tweak a few minor details.

On the plus side, I think that whoever put the cast together did a really good job of picking out the characters. Everyone was recognizable in that they matched the book's description of their character surprisingly well. Seeing as anyone who read the book would view the characters differently, it's very hard to find someone who fits under multiple descriptions. Although they followed the storyline a little too well, there was nothing to complain about when it came to the actual characters.