For Future Referance

For all those planning to go in to business, here's a few hints as how to translate the academic jargon:


'IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN' ...
I didn't look up the original reference.

'A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT' ...
These data are practically meaningless.

'WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS' ...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

'THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY' ...
The other results didn't make any sense.

'TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN' ...
This is the prettiest graph.

'THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT' ...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

'IN MY EXPERIENCE' ...
Once.

'IN CASE AFTER CASE' ...
Twice.

'IN A SERIES OF CASES' ...
Thrice.

'IT IS BELIEVED THAT' ...
I think.

'IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT' ...
A couple of others think so, too.

'CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE' ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

'ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS' ...
Rumour has it.

'A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCEOF THESE FINDINGS' ...
A really wild guess.

'A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA' ...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

'IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS' ...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

'AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES' ...
They don't understand it either.

'A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY' ...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

'IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD' ...
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

'FROM THIS WE CAN CONCLUDE' ...
Um, I'm pretty sure this means ...

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

Short and Sweet

Here's a few condensed movies for all those too lazy to watch the real thing (which would also take like three days anyway):

Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975
Roy Scheider: There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.
Murray Hamilton: No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists.
(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.)
Robert Shaw: I'm tough and grim.
(shark eats him)
Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss: Take that.
(shark dies)
THE END

Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000
Julia Roberts: I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.
Albert Finney: Ok.
Julia Roberts: This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell.
(They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.)
THE END

Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron 1997
Leonardo DiCaprio: Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun.
Kate Winslet: You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle.
(The ship: *SINK*)
Leonardo DiCaprio: Never let go.
Kate Winslet: I promise.
(lets go)
THE END

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte
Edward Rochester: I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what?
Jane Eyre: Yes.
Edward Rochester: My secret is that I have a lunatic wife.
Jane Eyre: Bye.
(Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.)
THE END

A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens
Ebenezer Scrooge: Bah, humbug. you'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it.
Ghost of Jacob Marley: Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean.
3 Ghosts of Christmas: You're mean.
Ebenezer Scrooge: At last, I have seen the light. Let's dance in the streets. Have some money.
THE END

The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger
Holden Caulfield: Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk.
THE END

Personality Dialysis

Here is my personal opinion of each character:


Jane Bennet: a shy girl who is afraid to show her true self in fear that she will be hated, loved and envied by all for her beauty that she feels she doesn't have or deserve

Elizabeth Bennet: a strong minded and strong willed girl who isn't afraid to bread society rules in order to attain her rightful respect, unsure of what she wants but sure of what she doesn't want

Mary Bennet: a strange girl, very different from the rest of her family but most like her father, both loath the never ending rants of the youngest sisters and mother and long for nothing but peace

Kitty Bennet and Lydia Bennet: they might as well be the same person, while it is Kitty who follow by Lydia's example, together they are the biggest flirts of the county, forever squealing about the militia or complaining about their own minor injustices, all in all, every parents worst nightmare, this is what you pray your children won't be like

Mrs. Bennet: almost as insufferable as her two daughters, she spends all of her time trying to marry all of them off, and while she claims it is for their own well being, there is nothing more she would like than the power to boast of their successful marriages in an attempt to boost her own social standing

Mr. Bennet: a quiet man, willfully ignorant of his three youngest daughters and wife, choosing to ignore them in favor of his two oldest daughters, he is a stupid man who cares more about peace and quiet than the well being of his family, once the youngest two get married and leave, his life will improve greatly

Mr. Bingley: an adorably shy young man whose true love is almost lost due to his insensitivity towards her true nature, his mind is clouded by the foul thoughts of his sisters and is only cleared once Mr. Darcy sets him straight

Mr. Darcy: a seemingly arrogant man with a much softer core, true to his word and weary of his feelings, unsure of what course to take and who's will to abide

Mr. Collins: a rat that ferrets his way into the Bennet household looking for a wife, while he is harmless and ignorant to that which happens just under his nose, that doesn't keep him from being utterly rude and nearly intolerable

Mr. Wickham: originally perceived as a good man who had been wronged, it is later learned that he is a greedy liar looking for an easy reward

Miss Bingley: a two-faced woman who nearly succeeds in ruining the relationships between Mr. Bingley and Jane as well as Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth

Miss Darcy: a shy, pretty young girl recovering from heartache, Mr. Darcy's younger sister of whom he is guardian of

Charlotte Lucas: a trustworthy friend of Elizabeth looking for an easy way out, which she finds in the form of Mr. Collins, while she can't bear being with him she does it for the easy lifestyle that comes with marrying him, and while we don't get the impression that she is shallow or cheap, the idea is certainly brought up

Lady Catherine De Bourgh: a stuffy old hag who can't stand people who think for themselves, she believes that her way is the only way and that all praise should be directed towards her

Pride and Prejudice

Because I love this book so much that I figured it deserved a very long summary. Ready, set, go . . .



First we are introduced to the Bennet family (in no particular order):



Jane Bennet: the oldest and most beautiful of the five Bennet daughters, practical and kind, very shy, rarely reveals her true feelings

Elizabeth Bennet: the second oldest daughter, most logical and level-brained of her sisters, thoughtful, intelligent, and practical, favorite of her father but least liked by her mother, comes to realize that she is just as capable of letting her feelings get in the way of her good sense as her feather-brained sisters

Mary Bennet: the middle sister and the only one to remain unmarried, very odd, spends all her time reading scripture

Kitty (Catherine) Bennet: second youngest, partners in crime with Lydia but the lesser of the two evils

Lydia Bennet: youngest sister but the biggest flirt, runs away with Mr. Wickham and is later forced to marry him to avoid scandal

Mrs. Bennet: mother to the five Bennet girls (duh) whose only goal in life is to have each of her daughters married, arrogant, pushy, and embarrassing

Mr. Bennet: a country gentleman, finds his wife and three youngest daughters to be frivolously ignorant and annoying but takes great pride in Jane and Elizabeth

Mr. Bingley: wealthy, shy, polite young gentleman that moves into the Bennet's neighborhood and falls immediately for Jane Bennet

Mr. Darcy: a friend of Mr. Bingley, wealthy, handsome, and proud, thought to be rude and conceited by most, later falls in love with Elizabeth

Mr. Collins: the cousin set to inherit the Bennet's estate once Mr. Bennet dies, a pastor, is pushy and obnoxious, views himself very highly while he is looked down upon by his relatives due to his monotonous, long-winded nature

Mr. Wickham: a soldier in the militia who convinces Elizabeth that he was greatly wronged by Mr. Darcy

Miss Bingley: Mr. Bingley's younger sister who, upon discovering Mr. Darcy's attraction for Elizabeth, tries to separate them by breaking up her brother and Jane, so that none of them will see each other anymore

Miss Darcy: Mr. Darcy's younger sister who is quiet and shy

Charlotte Lucas: Elizabeth's friend who later marries Mr. Collins when Elizabeth turns him down

Lady Catherine De Bourgh: Mr. Darcy's wealthy aunt, is pushy and expects everyone to appreciate and follow her advice on everything

A Cure For The Monday Blues

(Semi)Real Newspaper Headlines

• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New
• Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• College Opens Doors to Hearing
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Include your Children When Baking Cookies
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Never Eat Slimey Worms

Let's start with listing the differences between the book and the movie, because, thank goodness, there are way less differences than similarities.

1. The classic, always recognizable Ruby Slippers are no more (*cue horror music*), instead we find that they are actually meant to be silver, SILVER!!! How hard is it to transfer that one little fact from words to motion picture? Was ruby some one's favorite color? Or did we just feel like mixing things up a little bit, cause let me tell you, its scandalous my friend, ruby vs silver, what is this world coming to?


2. Next we are introduced no only to the Good Witch of the North, but also the Good Witch of the South. This I give props to, they managed to combine the two witches by simply naming the Witch of the North after the Witch of the South, very sneaky; and it only makes sense to have one good witch. If you have one bad witch you can't have two good witches; the good vs evil dichotomy just doesn't fit then. It works fine in the book because the second wicked witch is emphasized more, blah blah blah, when in the movie all we ever get from her are the color-confused slippers and shriveled up feet.


3. In the book, during the journey across Winkie Country, which is the ugliest name for a country and would have received a lot of raised eyebrows had it been included in the movie, they encounter a lot more obstacles, such as wolves, bees, crows, and the ever terrifying Winkie Soldiers (*jaws theme song*). In the movie, all they meet is the Wicked Witch of the West and some sleep inducing flowers (NO!!! NOT POPPIES, AHHHHH!!!)


4. Also, in the movie, each "friend" Dorothy picks up along the way, apparently she's a very friendly person, happens to resemble the workers on her farm (only slightly weird), while in the book they don't. Enough said.


5. And what happened to the Golden Cap? Hum? I liked that part; it was like having a genie with three wishes, except they were monkeys and all they could do was fly you three places, but that was still way magical. But no. They just do the bidding of the Wicked Witch of the West, who also happens to resemble somebody from Dorothy's actual life (slightly more weird).


6. But the biggest, most scandalous, inexcusable, anger inducing reality: the Emerald City isn't really emerald!!! Who knew? (except those who have taken time to appreciate the original, and definitely better version of a most beloved film). Obviously someone was having trouble keeping their colors straight.


7. And last, and probably least, at no point do we sing about going "some where over the rainbow," which, to be quite honest, I always fast forward through when watching the movie (*snore*).

More From the Wonderful Wizard of Oz

After being captured, Dorothy loses her silver shoes to the Witch and, out of anger, throws a bucket of water on her. The Witch melts and the soldiers rejoice at being freed from her tyranny. They help to reassemble the scarecrow and tin woodman, who they love so much they ask him to be their new ruler. He agrees to return after he has helped Dorothy get back to Kansas. Dorothy uses the cap to call the Winged Monkeys and have them return her to the Emerald City. Here, she and her companions meet with the wizard and tell him of their deed.

The wizard tries to put them off, telling them to come back tomorrow, but Toto accidentally knocks over a screen revealing an old man who journeyed to Oz long ago in a hot air balloon. He presents the scarecrow with a head full of bran, pins, and needles; the lion with a potion of courage; and the tin woodman with a stuffed heart. Although these tokens are useless, because the scarecrow, lion, and tin woodman believe in the wizard's powers, the items are used a focus for their desires. He then appoints the scarecrow as his successor as ruler over Oz.

The wizard and Dorothy fashion a new hot air balloon out of green silk but when they go to leave Toto jumps out of the balloon and chases after a kitten in the crowd. Dorothy runs after him and the rope holding the balloon breaks, leaving the wizard to float away. Dorothy asks the Winged Monkeys to take her to the balloon but they explain that they can not fly over the desert surrounding Oz.

The Soldier with the Green Whiskers tells Dorothy that the Good Witch of the South, Glinda, may know how to help her return home. So Dorothy, the scarecrow, the lion, and the tin woodman journey to Glinda's place in Quadling Country. On the way they encounter fighting trees, Hammer-Heads, and a giant spider which the lion kills. Out of gratitude, the forest animals ask him to be the new ruler of the forest. He agrees to return to them after he helps Dorothy to return to Kansas. After passing carefully through China Country, Dorothy calls the Winged Monkeys to carry them over the Hammer-Heads' mountain.

Once they reach Glinda's place, she explains that Dorothy had the ability to return home all along, that the Silver Shoes can take her anywhere she wants to go. After saying goodbye, she returns to Kansas and the Silver Shoes are never seen again

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Dorothy is a young girl who lives on a Kansas farm with her Uncle Henry, her Aunt Em, and her dot Toto. One day a tornado comes and carries away the house with Dorothy and Toto in it. They land in a field in the country of Munchkins, and right on top of the Wicked Witch of the East. The Good Witch of the North and the Munchkins go out to meet Dorothy and proclaim her a hero for killing the Wicked Witch of the East. Then the Witch of the North gives Dorothy the shoes of the Witch of the East and tells her that to return home she must visit the Wizard of Oz who lives in Emerald City.

On her way down the yellow brick road, Dorothy happens upon a scarecrow who is tied to a pole. After freeing him she persuades him to journey with her to see the Wizard of Oz and ask for a brain. As they continue down the yellow brick road they find a tin woodman who has been rusted still. After restoring his movement, they invite him to join them on their journey to the Emerald City to visit the Wizard of Oz. The tin woodman agrees and confesses that he would love nothing more than to ask for a heart. A little while later, the three travelers happen across a cowardly lion, who they convince to travel with them so that he may attain courage from the wizard.

When they arrive at the Emerald City, the Guardian of the Gates gives them special glasses to wear so that they are not "blinded by the brilliance of Emerald City."

When each person meets with the wizard, he appears as something or someone different. To Dorothy, the wizard appears as a giant head; to the scarecrow: a beautiful women; to the tin woodman: ravenous beast; to the cowardly lion: a great ball of fire.

The wizard agrees to help them but first they must kill the Wicked Witch of the West who rules with terror over the Winkie Country.

As they travel across Winkie Country they are met by wolves, bees, crows, and Winkie soldiers, all of whom were sent by the Witch to stop them. When they manage to get past everything the Witch uses the power of the Golden Cap to summon the Winged Monkeys to capture them all.

Continued . . .