New Year's Resolutions

As it is the beginning of the new year I have come up with a list resolutions to better myself in the upcoming year.

From now on I will . . .


remember to replace the gas hose before I drive away.

always wear clean underwear, "just in case."

keep a safe distance when driving behind a police car.

think of a more clever password for my e-mail account than ''password''.

not text, e-mail, and talk on the phone with the same person all at one time.

balance my checkbook (on my nose).

not sing back to people every jingle I hear on the radio.


This New Year's theme is "Try Again."

After spending an oh so fun filled weekend with the Grand Parents, I found, to my absolute horror, that I had, in fact, picked up some of the vernacular commonly used by the old. Warsh, for example, was a part of my vocabulary for about the next three days. Warsh? you say. Yes, indeed, warsh. Warsh the dishes. Throw your clothes in the warsh. Has this cup been warshed. I had obtained the opposite of a Boston accent, instead of droppin my 'r's, I gained them. Old. The trash had also undergone a transformation and was now 'The Rubbish'. So next to my psuedoboston dialect I now sounded british. Terrible. Why can't old people just talk normal. Nobody says warsh or rubbish, or crick, for that matter. The word creek has two 'e's in it for a reason. And Melk, yes Melk, not milk, but Melk. Needless to say, if the lipstick stains on my cheeks hadn't throw me over the edge, the oldish jargon would have done the job plenty.

Guitar Hero?

Let's analyze this painting for just one moment. Take a good look. Don't skip over any details. Now contrary to what you are thinking, this was not finger painted by a five year old. I was infact showcased in the Vienna Musem of Art in an exibit titled Bad Painting-Good Art, which consisted entirely of paintings of equal quality, this one was just my favorite. Again, I know what you're thinking, I could do better with a blowtorch and a tank of gasoline, but these paintings actually sell for some big bucks. Now back to analyzing the picture, personally, I think it represents the evils of fame. He(?) appears to be holding a guitar of some sort but he is not playing. His eyes are out of focus because he is thinking about his next paycheck. His overall image is blurred and there is nothing going on in the background. What is on his hand? Perhaps it's his black soul spread to every region of his being (oh, that was deep). His smile appears to be "painted" on, and why is he putting his hands in his pocket? Maybe he needs to reapply his eyeliner. Or his high is wearing off. My moneys on the eyeliner. So you see, this isn't an ugly painting at all, just a misunderstood piece of philosophy.

Misunderstood Marriage

Um, let's say wedding cakes show how successful a marriage will be. What do we think this one says? Wrong. The husband isn't running away, the wife is just giving him a neck massage while he's doing the hokey pokey. Who has a cake like this at their wedding? Sure it might be funny for like ten minutes, but after everbodies done giggling you're just going to move into a very awkwark silence, leaving everybody wondering about the security of the marriage. Yeah, "congradulations, and, um, good luck?" Just what every women wants to hear on the happiest day of her life. Wonder who picked the cake out. My bet is on the best man, but that's just a stab in the dark.

Da, Dum, Da Dum

Shall we, um, cut the bride/cake?

Question?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Summing Up Some Pretty Crappy Movies So You Don't Have To Watch Them

Black Beauty

Boy finds horse.
Horse complains.
Horse runs away and finds new owner.
Horse runs away and finds newer owner.
Horse runs away and finds newerer owner.
Horse runs away and finds newererer owner.
Horse goes back to boy.
The End.


Bridge to Tarabithia

Boy meets girl.
They are bored.
They go to a magical world.
Girl drowns.
The End.


10,000 B.C.

D'Leh: Ah! My daddy left meh.
Unimportant Crowdfolk: Shame!
(*several years later*)
Buff D'Leh: I luv yeh, Evolet!
Evolet: Um. . . k
(*Evolet captured by horse-people*)
Evolet: AHHHHH!!!
Tigers and Mammoths: Rahr!
Buff D'Leh: I save yeh, Evolet.
(*he does*)
Unimportant Crowdfolk: Yay!
The End.


Disturbia

Kid: My dad died. I'm going punch a teacher.
(put under house arrest)
Kid: (mopes)
Girl: I'm hot and stuff.
Kid: k.
(spies on creepy neighbor)
Kid: That guy is weird.
(spies on him some more, gets scared)
Kid: omg i think he killed someone
(breaks into his house and almost gets killed to death)
Kid and Girl: (make out)
The End.


The Break Up

Guy and Girl meet.
Guy and Girl fight.
Guy and Girl break up.
Guy and Girl meet up and stand in an awkward silence.
The End.
(never saw that one coming)

So it took one fun filled day of school for me to realize how incredibly stupid some people are. We start our day to find out just how highly our first hour teacher thinks of us when he walks in about 20 minutes after school has started saying something about how bad the roads are. All of the ice melted yesterday. No ice. No snow. Good roads. Stupid teacher.

Next we find ourselves seated in LA with, um, shall we call her Smiley. Yes indeed, the entire class every time we look up we find her smiling, not at anyone, just to herself, like she's remembered some funny joke. Had this been any other day, I might have found this amusing, but not today. Her smile was as unwanted as a black eye on picture day.

Third period and we return to yet another nearly incompetent teacher. When we question an answer, all we receive is a "oh, well, hum, moving on . . ." Yeah, that's how I learn best, when I'm mumbled at.

Then lunch. Oh, lunch. How lucky are we that half our school finds it necessary to hide their faces beneath layers of animal bi products. Not to sound stuck up, but how do your parents let you leave the hous like that.

Forth passes without anything note worthy.

Fifth starts with a rousing round of copy down everything I write up on the overhead for the next half hour, no talking, no eating, no drinking, no breathing. Then we move on to worksheets, same song, second verse.

Sixth, well, it's over.

Hot Maybelle

Nothing is more controversial than the idea of spontaneous human combustion. Over the years, and when I say years I mean like the past hundreds of years, much evidence has been collected for and against this strange phenomena. Many cases have been filed and many suspects acquitted due to this fiery conclusion.

Take Mrs. Mary Reeser, for instance, who was found lounging in an arm chair, burnt and smoldering. All that was found of Mary was her liver which was fused to a lump of her vertebrae. her skull, which had shrunken to the size of a baseball, 10 pounds of ashes, and her left foot still wearing her black satin slipper and fully intact. The walls of her apartment were covered in a greasy substance and the plastic light switches had melted along with two candles, though their wicks were both still intact. Only a small, circular area of her apartment was burned/ashen.

To creamate a body it requires heat of over 2500 degrees.

My personal favorite, as sick as that sounds, concerns Miss Maybelle Andrews. While dancing at a club one night with her boyfriend, flames suddenly erupted from her back, chest, and sholders. Her boyfried was severely burnt while trying to put out the flames, but at least he survived, Maybelle, however, was not so lucky, and died from her injuries on the way to the hospital.

One of the only survivors of the wierd phenomena is Jack Angel, no pun intended. While taking a nap in his trailer home he recalls that he suddenly felt searing pain as he erupted in flames. Examiners said that the damaged extended to a hole in his chest, fused vertebrae, and an arm beyond saving. Nothing within the trail was singed and the only explanation obtained was spontaneous combustion.

This account slightly contradicts that of Peter Jones, who recalls no sensation of heat or burning. He claims that all he saw was smoke and no pain was endured.

Only a few similarities have been found between the many cases . . .

• 80% of the victims are women
• most were overwieght and/or alcoholics
• while the body was badly burned, most items in the room remained untouched
• a yellow, putrid smelling oil was found surrounding the body
• the head and extremities, along with clothing, was all that was ever found intact on the body
• the victim never cried out during their consumption

Speak Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace

So I had to do a report on Nostradamus, which is a way cool name, and I thought I'd share with you some of his prophecies:

The Fire of London: his exact words were "The blood of the just will be demanded of London, Burnt by the fire in the year 66 (1666)," in the year 1666, London was consumed by the flames of a single spark, destroying the city in 5 days, only 6 were killed.

The French Revolution: "Before the war comes, the great wall will fall, The King will be executed, his death coming too soon will be lamented. (The guards) will swim in blood, Near the River Seine the soil will be bloodied." He's so poetic. On July 14, 1789, the walls of the Bastille were stormed, and, needless to say, the king was killed by guillotine on the banks of the Seine.

Emperor Napoleon: "PAU, NAY, LORON will be more of fire than of the blood, To swim in praise, the great one to flee to the confluence. He will refuse entry to the Piuses, The depraved ones and the Durance will keep them imprisoned." The first three words are an anagram and when rearranged spell Napaulon Roy, or King Napoleon. The more of fire refers to war, and the 'of the blood' means of noble birth; so all in all he's saying that he will come to power by force rather than inheritance. The 'Piuses' are the Popes Pius VI and Pius VII, whom were both imprisoned under Napoleon.

Hitler's Reign: this one received drew a rather long speech from the old philosopher "Beasts ferocious with hunger will cross the rivers (Germans invade France), The greater part of the battlefield will be against Hister (aka: the Danube, where Hitler was born). Into a cage of iron will the great one be drawn (tanks), When the child of Germany observes nothing.
In the year very not far from Venus, The two greatest ones of Asia and of Africa: They are said to have come from the Rhine and from Hister Cries, tears at Malta and the Ligurian sea-coast. (describing Hitler's conquests in Spain and Africa)
Liberty will not be regained, It will be occupied by a black, proud, villainous and unjust man: When the matter of the Pontiff is opened, The republic of Venice will be vexed by Hister. (Hitler is bad)
The shocking and infamous armed one will fear the great furnace, First the chosen one, the captives not returning The world’s lowest crime, the Angry Female Irale - Israel - not at ease, Barb, Hister, Malta, and the Empty One does not return. (Hitler is bad and kills people)"

Louis Pasteur: he actually gets the names right in this one and everything "The lost thing is found, hidden for so many centuries, Pasteur will be honored as a demigod This happens when the moon completes her great cycle, He will be dishonored by other winds." All this is saying is that Pasteur will be honored for his discovery but some will try to discredit him.

Kennedy Assassination: "The ancient work will be accomplished, And from the roof evil ruin will fall on the great man: They will accuse an innocent, being dead, of the deed: The guilty one is hidden in the misty copse." This prophecy greatly pleases all those who claim Oswald's innocence in the Kennedy Assassination, if it is assumed that the innocent one accused is referring to him.

Nostradamus has also predicted future devastations to take place November 25, 2015; then on November 23, 2016; and again on December 7, 2044. So if the world doesn't end December 21, 2012, at least we'll still have something to look forward to.

Um, yum?

Look Ma, I'm Santa

So I found this picture while working on homework and it kinda caught my attention because I couldn't figure out what the whitish stuff was. And guess what? It's foam. Sea foam. It was a freaky natural phenomenon that was witnessed at Yamba Beach, New South Wales, Australia. The foam covered the whole beach along with many buildings. Fun, yet not.

Swing And A Miss

so over break i was talking with my aunt and she was telling me this story about a project my cousin had to do for his psychology class. needless to say, i loved it so much that i had to share. first off, his costume consisted a pair of his mom's jeans, layered skin tight shirts, and some gorgeous red pumps. then he and another boy, dressed, more or less, in the same ensemble, had to strut, yes strut, around the mall while others from the class observed the reactions of shoppers who came across this unique pair. apparently they weren't gaining as much attention as they wanted, so they proceeded to skip merrily along the length of the mall, ostentatiously professing their love to one another. i asked for pictures but she said that they had "mysteriously" disappeared.

bad reviews

The movie critics came out with a list of the top 200 worst movies of the last 10 years, with a few exceptions.

Here are the ones I've seen and wholeheartedly agree should be on that list (in no particular order):

1. Baby Geniuses- Hey, guys, lets make a movie about really smart babies who also happen to be really strong, and, ready for the twist? Two of them are twins, freaky, I know!

2. Pinocchio (the real people version)- Um, creepy. Some people just were not born to wear tights.

3. The Covenant- Wait, how about a movie about teenagers with magic powers, now where have I heard that before?

4. Dr. Suess' The Cat in the Hat- Hold on, what if we film a beloved children's book and cast a real creeper as the main character? Brilliant!

5. Joe Dirt- A beloved film about an abandoned child searching for his long lost parents; except that the child is really an adult who works as a janitor and has a mullet. FABULOUS!

6. Billy Madison- In order to gain control of his father's hotel business, Billy, a fully grown man, must retake kindergarten through 12th grade. And the good part begins where?

7. The Zodiac- So there's this killer on the loose but instead of looking for him we're just gonna mope around and yell at each other. Good plan guys!

(to see the entire list go to http://www.metacritic.com/video/lowscores.shtml)

Here are the ones I thought they missed . . .

1. The Break Up- You'll never guess what happens!

2. Ghost Rider- So theres this ghost who happens to be somewhat of a pyromaniac, right, and he rides a motorcycle, end of story.

3. Napoleon Dynamite- um . . . crap.

4. Jumper- Now you see him, now you see the mess he left behind. Great story line guys.

5. Clueless- Needless to say, if Jane Austen were still alive, she'd sue.

6. Disturbia- The name pretty much does it justice.

Hidden Knowledge

Here's some unexpected knowledge gained from the movies:

• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• Large, loft-style apartments in New York City (or Paris) are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
• When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
• If and when a dog enters the story . . . it will not end well.

More Bad Movie

The Covenant
(title creativity: 0)


(starting scene: some party in the woods around a campfire)
Hot Guys: We're hot.
Girls: They're hot.
Bad Guy: I like spiders . . . and watching girls shower.
Police: Damn kids.
Party Goers: Lets all leave quickly in one vehicle without putting out the fire and leaving all of our cars behind, nobody will ever suspect a thing.
Party Goers: (*escape*)
Police: Damn kids.
(back at dorms)
Girl: Wow, 2 am already? Time for my shower.
Girl: (*showers*)
Lightbulb: (*break*)
Girl: Oh my, the lightbulb broke, the best thing for me to do in this situation would be to walk around barefoot and inspect the bathroom in just my towel, showing off all my gaudy tattoos.
(in some pool area)
Hot Guys: (*in speedos two sizes too small*)
Hottest Guy: Let's race.
Bad Guy: k
Bad Guy: (*wins race with magic powers*)
Hottest Guy: (*mopes*)
(at bar, even though their all still in high school)
Girl: I like dance.
Girl: (*dances in a dress possibly formerly owned by her dead great grandmother*)
Hot Guys: (*fight with magic powers*)
Girl: (*mopes*)
(back a dorm)
Girl's Roommate: My skin is erupting in disgusting looking pustules, I think I'll go to the doctor.
Girl: k
Bad Guy: (*enters room magically disguised as the hot guy*)
Bad Guy: Hey baby.
Girl: Um . . .
Hottest Guy: (*enters*)
Hottest Guy: Hey baby.
Bad Guy: (still disguised as hottest guy) Hey.
Girl: Um . . .
Bad Guy: Abra Cadabra!
Girl: (*turns bluish*)
Hottest Guy: Shit.
(here we have some unintentional man-to-man, lip-to-lip contact)
Hottest Guy: Blah!
Bad Guy: Give me your magic.
Hottest Guy: k
Bad Guy: Really?
Hottest Guy: Psych, gotcha!
Bad Guy: (*disappears with enough mystery left for there to be a sequel*)



(In essence this is a really bad movie, except for the actors, bravo to whoever did the casting.)

Story Line: bad
Special Effects: bad
Whole Idea of Magic Powers: BAD
Originality: None (someone was a little obsessed with Harry Potter)
Script: bad
Mood: bad (you can't have intense action, intense romance, intense comedy, and intense drama)