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My Dog Skip

First off, the title has nothing to do with the post, I just couldn't think of what to call it.

So, I know, who wants to read a post about school, but I got nothing else to write about momentarily. Just found out how they plan to make up those snow days. First off, why don't we have some better system for dealing with them? We live in Iowa for goodness sakes, it's kind of a given that we will have a week of snow days. Why does it always throw people into a tizzy when they come? So now all those half days that we had to help us make it to spring break are gone. Poof. Gone. Full weeks of school until spring break. But the last week of school will be all half days. How that is going to work I have no idea. Supposedly (from the prince) we will have a week of finals. The first day will be zero and first hour. Second day, second and third hour. Etc. We'll get out at eleven fifteen each day. Not positive. But pretty darn sure.

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62 Fool Proof Ways to Fail A College Exam . . . With Style

Planning on failing? Go out with style!

So I can't take credit for all of these ideas but I have to say that I definitely did contribute more than my fare share. They were just too funny not to add. Can you imagine being the teacher/professor? Or another student in the class? Good stuff! Don't skip any, the really good are mixed in with the good, plus, it took me forever to come up with most of these!!!

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. Get really into it.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.
10. Bring pets. (real or stuffed)
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” Sit back down. 15 minutes later, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes with a new holiday (ex: Happy Kwanzaa, Jolly Ede, Happy Hanukkah).
13. Giggle and blush after reading every question like it says something inappropriate.
14. Do the exam with crayons, finger paint, and/or fluorescent markers.
15. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
16. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette’s Syndrome during the exam. Vulgar language is not necessary, and random words will do, like the answers to the test.
17. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!
18. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
19. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
20. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
21. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
22. Glare at the professor during the entire exam. If they look up at you, quickly look away and resume glaring once they've stopped looking at you.
23. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start loudly commenting on how easy it was.
24. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).
25. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
26. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly, humming your own triumphant background music.
27. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
28. Show up pretending to be completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
29. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
30. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day, several times.
31. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera,” run around, waving your cap at people and singing to them until they drag you away.
32. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
33. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
34. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
35. Adopt multiple personalities partway through the test and begin to argue loudly with yourself about whether the person next to you is good looking or not.
36. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
37. Don't write anything on your paper/booklet/ whatever. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam claiming the person three seats down was cheating off your paper.
38. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
39. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
40. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
41. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
42. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip your socks off and drape them over the chairs on either side of you.
43. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
44. One word: Wrestlemania.
45. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
46. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
47. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. Objects beside an actual frisbee may be used.
48. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice, like the pencil of the person next to you, or the actual person.
49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,chairs, anything you can reach.
51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
53. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”.
54. Come to the exam wearing a cape. Ten minutes in duck under your desk and role out onto the floor. Proceed to scale the perimeter of the room all the while humming the theme song to Mission Impossible.
55. Faint dramatically every 10 minutes. Be sure to twitch and mumble while laying on the floor, then pop back up and resume testing like nothing happened.
56. Halfway through the exam stand up and begin to dance like you have to go to the bathroom. Continue testing. If the professor asks you if you need to go to the restroom inform him/her that you are perfectly capable of containing yourself. Act offended.
57. At some point, pull a bath towel from your bag, drape it over your shoulders and exclaim to the person nearest you "I am Batman, come, Robin, to the Batcave!!!"
58. See how far you can tip back in your chair without falling over. Commentate on your activity like the announcers at a sporting event.
59. Cry loudly during the entire testing period. Refuse to except any tissues and blow your nose on your exam. Don't forget to turn it in.
60. Once the test has begun, slid down under your desk and crawl around on the floor seeing how many people's shoelaces you can tie together.
61. Attempt to take the test while sitting on the lap of the person next to you.
62. Become enraged at your pencil. Break it in half. Then proceed to hold a funeral for it, asking others to say something nice about it as well.

Fo'eva Fo'eva

Me. Sitting at lunch. Something hits me (ok, so it didn't really hit me, it hit the person next to me but for the purpose of the story, it hit me). It's a ring. It says forever on it. Somebody threw their promise ring at "me". Seriously? Um, ok. That's cool. The best part was the ring itself. I was this plastic little thing with 'forever' written across it and little purple stars on the side. Can you say GORGEOUS? Who gives someone a promise ring anyway? Isn't that kinda the idea of a engagment ring, only cheap? No offence to anyone out there with your promise rings and all, but honestly, why? What's the point? We're in highschool.

Paint Me Pink

If you hadn't gathered it thus far, I'm a girl. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Anyway, last easter I got some coupon to get a manicure. And boy was I excited (heavy sarcasm). After finding it beneath a pile of papers I realized that it expired that day. Drat. So I drug myself to the nail place so as not to insult my mother by not using the coupon. Who knew that there were man manicurists? Not me, that's for sure. And let me tell you they are, um, interesting. First off, he spoke to fast for me to understand a word he was saying, and it wasn't because his english was bad or anything, it was just that every time he spoke he was bookin' it. As I entered he said something along the lines of hihowmayihelpyou? Me: silent. Then, beg pardon? WhatcanIdoforyoutoday? Um, manicure? (I still wasn't sure what he said but I could kinda guess) Okyousitthere. (He pointed and I sat) Then he proceeded to file/buff(?) my nails and clip off the cuticle(?) (I don't really know my nail terms, obviously) Next I got some weird hand massage. Wierd. Whatcoloryouwant? Um . . .? Colorwhatcolor? (Again he points) Red? And that was that.

Blind Attraction

Not much of a planner but I already know what going on during spring break. Me and ms. mixmaster mac have decided to test the American patience by traveling to the mall-o-america. While our presence will probably cause strain enough, we have decided to see how far we can push it. After acquiring some walking stick canes from who knows where, our sight will magically, yes magically, disappear. We will proceed to roam the mall, whacking anyone in our way and even those who aren't. After conversing with a few non-chatty mannequins we will make our grand exit by running into a few things and just generally making a mess. This is not slander against the blind, but merely an experiment as to the reactions of those lucky enough to serve witness. And that's only the first day.

Next we will serve as a tribute to all our fellow pirates. After attaining some frilly shirts and a fake, though preferably real, parrot, named kamiko, we will parade through the halls, brandishing our (plastic, we don't want to get arrested) swords, exclaiming "Arg" "Shiver me timbers" and "Ahoy" to all.

Yet next, while still dressed as pirates, we will turn to thinking we are cats. Oh yes, cats, adopting the names tyrese (mac) and olya, or maybe huagh or alverna (me), can't decide, yet. Then the competition begins to see who can be petted (indeed a made-up word) more. I will win.

Skip

I write this blog assuming that no one reads anything I say. It is for my own entertainment, and grade. Rarely do I have the time to browse others' blogs and I am kinda assuming that this applies to others as well. My theme is anything that I find interesting/funny/worth mentioning. Very broad topic. But it gets the job done. If anyone actually does read this blog then, well, good for you. I have nothing more to say.

Use Complete Sentences

Signing up for classes is soooo depressing. I don't want to think about next year!!! Especially now!!! It's the dead period that falls between 'winter' break and spring break. When classes get hard. And we're asked which ones we want to take next year. Hard classes? I think not. Anyway . . .

If I could be anything (future job) I would want to be a 'future employee interviewer'. How incredably fun would that be. You could scare the hell out of the poor kid and then begin to ask questions like "How many hats do you have in your house?" or "What is your favorite type of umbrella?" I can just imagine the looks on their faces. And if they laughed you could go all Vulcan on them and be like "That is not funny." Too much fun. I already came up with a list of questions I can use and everything:

1. How do you rate me on a scale of one to five? (don't say which is better

2. What would be your first question to people of Antarctica?

3. Which is you favorite foreign language?

4. If I take a look inside your refridgerator, what would I find?

5. If you were alone in a desert, what would your first thought be?

6. What type of food do prefer to be armed with during a food fight?

7. Why am I asking you these questions?

8. Do you like Jerry, or Tom?

9. Could you sing me your favorite song?

10. How would you react if you were transformed into a fish?

Breaking the Camera

Just got our school pictures back a few days ago. Can't complain. Definitely better than last year. The thing that I find ridiculous/hilarious are the pictures of those who went out of their way to make sure they looked good on picture day. Their pictures don't even slightly resemble them. Sometimes this is a good thing, but mostly not. I totally don't understand the point of getting all dressed up. Sure, you want to look nice/clean, but is that really how you want people to remember you (if they can recognize you)? Seriously, folks? It's getting kinda out of hand here. While picking mine up last year I got to watch the lady shuffle through the piles of photos. First she tried to hand me one of a girl with red-ish contacts, blonde hair, who appeared to have sneezed immediatly before the camera clicked. Slightly insulting. I gave it back. Next I recieved one of a boy. I am not a boy. Do I look like a male? Slightly more than slightly insulting. I handed it back. The third envelope shoved into my hand didn't even have any pictures in it. Come on! Ignoring her protests I came behind the counter and rifled through the box until I found mine. People (exasperaed sigh)!


The worst part of pictures is the angry camera people. Why are they so infuriated all the time? Their job entails, what, telling a kid to smile and then pushing a button? Oh, and you also have to alphabetize their forms. What horror! Plus, I totally miss the nicknames they used to give us. That was the best part of picture day, running back to the classroom to compare who got called what. But no. Not anymore. The name calling has stopped. What a bummer.

Somebody Has To Say It

Today I fancy myself and art interpreter. This painting was another masterpiece in the collection of "Bad Painting, Good Art". Lovely.

(serious voice) This painting could been seen in a number of lights. Perhaps the broken body(?) represents the way the girl feels inside. Perhaps the girl is crying because a vicious animal devoured part of her sister. Perhaps, midway through the painting, the artist got fired and dismembered the second child.

The broken body appears not to be hollow on the inside, ruling out the idea that it was a doll, possibly massacred by a older brother, or dog. Just FYI.

I think that the girl, Irving, is not crying for the body/doll/unidentifiable object, but because she embarrassed to be wearing such an ugly dress, which is way too short, exposing her horribly pale legs, probably picked out by her mother or blind aunt, who are currently trying to persuade her to smile for the family photo. She also cries because they gave her such a horrible name. Irving. Ugh. The object behind the girl is actually not a body at all, but the grandma's dog's chew toy. Totally unimportant. And there you have it, another painting, completely analyzed. Let me know if you disagree, though I don't see how you could. My logic is absolutely sound. Absolutely.

You Are Here

Cedar Rapids, Iowa, um, yeah, ranked forth this year in the category of "Small but Eventful" places. Are we serious? We have, what, Quaker Oats, and, um, we used to have a Science Station, and, well, let's see, we do good on ITEDs, which is pretty impressive (heavy sarcasm), and, yeah, that is about it. False. Guess what? We are actually the Betty Crocker Frosting Capital of the World. Yes, the world. Pretty, impressive, I know. Please, contain your enthusiasm, folks. Sure, we may smell, we may be boring, and we may say things like "Cock in the hen house", but who out there can claim the responsibilty for all of the frosting made in the world. (crickets chirping) Yeah, we rock.

On a different note, our hotels were ranked among the crappiest in the nation. Good thing we have no reason to stay in one.

A Friend I Have Yet To Meet

Phone rang. Picked up phone. Looked at number. Never heard of number. Opened phone anyway.
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello?
Me: (*No, I just said that, you can't repeat what I say, I say hello because I don't know who you are and I am waiting for you to introduce yourself. You can't repeat what I just said like your unsure of who you're talking to. You called me. Idiot.*)
Pause.
Them: Hello?
Me: (*You already said that.*)
Me: Hello?
Them: Um, who is this?
Me: (*No, you called me, I'm suppose to be the one asking that question.*)
Me: (*Recited name?*)
Me: (*Like I'm not sure if that's what it is. Idiot.*)
Them: Oh, I think I have the wrong number.
Me: Who are you?
Them: Is Dave there?
Me: No, who are you?
Pause.
Me: (*I'm waaaiiitttiiiinnnnggg.*)
Phone: (*goes dead*)
Me: (*redials number*)
Phone: (*rings*)
Them: Hello?
Me: This is Dave.
Them: Um . . . Dave?
Me: Yup.
Them: Dave -------
Me: Yup.
Them: Who would you like to speak with?
Me: You.
Them: I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Nope.
Phone: (*goes dead*)
Me: (*giggle*)
Me: (*redials number*)
Phone: (*rings*)
Phone: (*continues ringing*)
Answering Machine: Leave a message!
Me: Hey, this is Dave. I just wanted to let you know that I think it would be better if we were just friends. K? Sorry to have to tell you this over the phone. Call me.
Me: (*giggle, feeling like a total creeper*)

Money for the Blind

Story of the day:

Just got done at work. Recieved paycheck. Drove to bank. Cashed check. Wondered why their were brale markings on the drive up atm?

Misleading Reading

Most definitely already know what I want for Christmas next year. Take a look at these:

How amazing are these book covers. "The Nutritional Benefits of Nose Picking" "How to Steal From Your Neighbor" "Do It Yourself Liposuction" "Fast Track to Prison" "Laser Eye Surgery At Home" and " Perfecting the Art of Fart Projection". I so want to have one to carry around on a book at school. It would be so funny just to watch people stare at it, knowing that they really want to open it up and read it.

My favorite would have to be this one:

"How to Murder A Complete Stranger and Get Away With It." Amazing. This would definitely be a good one to read while one a bus or subway with other people. You could even throw in a few shifty glances, just to complete the look.

World's Ugliest Couch Awards

Here they are, folks, the results of the World Wide Ugliest Couch Contest of 2008, hot off the printers and ready to be shared with you:

In a stunning First Place: "(My) God! Save the Queen"

I, personally, liked this couch. It looks like the sort of furniture that would spark conversation and could be lied about very easily. "Yes, you see my couch here, it came all the way from the queen's palace. One of her favorite pieces. A personal friend of my grandmother. Sent to us as a wedding present. Dined with her last summer. Charming lady, absolutely charming."

In a not so stunning Second Place, the scrupulous "The Scrap-Booker's Hell"

This is a couch that thinks its a stain glass window. There was a little mix up in the shipping and when the pieces for the window arrived, look what they got instead. It will go very well with the rest of the church's decor I'm sure. It's not like they could donate it to the poor, no one would want it.

In a very close Third Place: "Sherbet a la Mode"

This puppy looks like a cross between a fanatic gardener and a tropical vacation gone wrong. The combination of floral and vegetable designs mixed with the eccentric color choices makes for one heck of any room's focal point. Unable to sit down for fear of being sunk into the vast mixture of horrendous home decor and nightmare like finger paintings, guests will only be able to stare and gawk.

In Fourth Place, my personal favorite: "The Magic Carpet"

Does it not look like this couch could just fly? I mean really? Whoever thinks this couch is ugly should be slapped. It's B-E-A-UTIFUL. Seriously, where can I get me one?

Here is the winner from 2007: "Hold On To Your Kilts, Gents"

Just looking at this couch makes me want to adopt a Scottish accent. I especially like the lack of legs. Who wants to sit up high anyway? I would much rather look up at people when I talk to them.

The 2006 winner was: "Trash"

I don't think you should be able to submit dirty couch's into the contest. They just have to be naturally ugly, though I think this one falls under that category as well.

The winner of 2005 was: "Camouflage Me Not"

Wonder where I'm going to sit? I really like the way they mixed the floral pattern with dirt. It's like the flowers are growing right out of the stuffing. Amazing. Amazing.

And last, and probably tied for least, the winner of 2004: "Stranded at the Drive-In"

No offence, honey, but your not really helping the couch any, though I especially like you creativity in the front leg.

Obamanation