Please, do not try this at home

New Sport!!!!! Extreme Ironing!!!!! WooHoo!!!!!

(in a super whiney voice) I WANT MORE FOLLOWERS!!!!!! IF YOU AREN'T CURRENTLY FOLLOWING, DO.

Working with old people is so exciting. The awareness that anyone of them could keel over at any moment just really keeps the hype up. Harsh, and not true. But still funny. To me. My job is better than yours (sung in a taunting voice).

The Movie Meme

The Rules:
Pick 30 of your favorite movies.
Find a quote from each movie.
Post them here for everyone to guess.
Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it correctly and the name of the movie.

NO CHEATING (googling/using IMDb/Wikiquote) for those of you guessing.I got this from another blog, and I have to add their caveat that these aren't all exactly good movies, but they are movies I like for various reasons. But I wouldn't call these my favorites; I'm just kind of listing things that come to mind right now, though some come to mind right away. Some I expect people to get instantly. Some I expect no one to get at all. Some may even be from the same movie. I apologize for what some will see as offensive language, but those are some of the best quotations of all. Bonus points if you can tell me who said it. You don't even have to tell me the movie, most of this is just for the sake of word count. (but please do comment)

1. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue." - Airplane! - as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta


2. "Uh, You almost hit me. Um, look, I just wanted to stop by, basically. Um, see, this is the thing. I, um, uh, whoof. It's wierd. I don't have me behind the door, you know. Close your mouth. Um, 'cause I knew at some point I'd be... you know, right--right here. You know, but I thought that, you know, we'd just ... (makes sqauking noise)... it would just come out, but it's like... (makes tires screeching sound) It's throwing me off." -Hitch- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry


3. Bartender: [over the noise in the background] How's the game going? Man at Bar: Longest hour of my life. Bartender: [not hearing him] What? Man at Bar: I'm running away with your wife. Bartender: [still not hearing him] Great! [He grins and flashes Man at Bar a thumbs-up] - Ocean's Eleven- as discover by Banch


4. "What knockers!"- Young Frankenstein- as discovered by a Mr Ayers


5. "Well, I guess the laws of physics cease to exist on top of your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?" -My Cousin Vinny- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry


6. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."


7. My inner voice that would be saying 'what the fuck am I doing on a gay tour of Tuscany?!'" -Under the Tuscan Sun (kinda obvious)- as discovered by a Ms Mixmaster Mack
   
8. "I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My momma didn't raise no foo'!" - Ten Things I Hate About You - as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta


9. "He love me, he love me. Love me, love me, love me." - The Phantom of the Opera- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta
   
10. "Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude." -Ferris Bueller's Day Off- as discovered by a Ms Mixmaster Mack
    
11. "And cause I was a gazillionaire, and I liked doin it so much, I cut that grass for free." -Forrest Gump- as discovered by a Ms Mixmaster Mack


12. [Man karate-chops the tops off three beer bottles] Boy: How did you do that? How did you do that? Man: Don't know. First time.


13. (this one gets a little hard to follow, so I color coded it for you, just for you, and then got rid of it) Good Kid 1: Watch it, jerk! Bad Kid: Shut up, idiot! Good Kid 1: Moron! Bad Kid: Scab eater! Good Kid 1: Butt sniffer! Bad Kid: Pus licker! Good Kid 1: Fart smeller! Good Kid 2: [sniffs] Ahh. Bad Kid: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek! Good Kid 1: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam! Good Kids: Yeah! Bad Kid: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it! Good Kid 1: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl! [entire group stands in shocked silence]- The Sandlot- as discovered by a Ms Oliver Jorge
    
14. "That man... is a brownie hound."


15. "It's not that I'm not a jealous man. I just don't like other people touching my things." - Moulin Rouge- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta


16. "We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on."


17. Man 1: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged. Women: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size. Man 1: Exactly. Women: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker. Man 1: That goes without saying. Women: Voof. Man 2: He's going to be very popular. -Young Frankenstein- as discovered by Mr. Ayers


18. "I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times."-Chicago- as discovered by a Ms Hockey Flower (oliver, sorry, you were wrong)


19. Man 1: Who are you, and why are you doing this? Man 2:We are bad men, and for the money!


20. "I carried a watermelon." -Dirty Dancing- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry
    
21. "I tell you what I'd like to do - I'd like to fold a Playboy centrefold into every one of Reverend Shaw's hymnbooks!"


22. "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"!"


23. "Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water - BAM. A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?"


24. "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."


25. "The shit hath hitith the fan... ith." sorry Ms I'm Hungry, that is incorrect - Ten Things I Hate About You- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta


26. "I speak jive." - Airplane!- as discovered by Mr. Ayers


27. "Have you anymore to say, Master Nude?"


28. "Why not just kill them? I'll do it! I'll run up to Paris - bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm back before week's end. We spend the treasure. How is this a bad plan?" - The Count of Monte Cristo- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta


29. "Mother pus bucket. So . . . she's a dog."


30. "Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl."

ok, so i thought of a few more, we'll just call these bonus points

1. "Iris? Oh yeah, she's a big conquest. She's given more rides than Greyhound!"
2. "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Show me a man that a woman can trust. Now where did it say that on the eighth day He dusteth?"
3. Mother: Who is down there with you, Mary? Mary: It's George Bailey, mother. Mother: George Bailey? What does he want? Mary: I don't know! [to George] What do you want? George Bailey: Me? Nothing! I just came in to get warm, is all. Mary: [pause] He's making violent love to me, mother!
4. "Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you." -Tommy Boy- as discovered by Peanut Butter n Jelly
5. "If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!" - The Producers- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta
6. "I'll hire the muscular descendants of Roman gods to do the heavy lifting."
7. Woman 1: I can't believe the Pope is coming! This is better than ice cream! Woman 2: It's better than springtime! Woman 3: It's better than sex! No, I mean - I've heard. - Sister Act- as discovered by a Ms Roxanne Beta
8. "Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving!" -The Producers- as discovered by a Ms I'm Hungry
9. "Guys who drink Kalua and cream are not power guys!"
10. "Hey - check this out! I found the ass end!"
11. "I hope you'll be at cheerleading tryouts. We'll have so much fun and get to be lifelong friends."
12. "Yesssssssssssssssssssssss? sss?" (thanks roxy, o, this isn't part of the quote)
13. "Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too."
14. "There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't."
15. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"
16. "You're gonna need a bigger boat."
17. "Surely you can't be serious."- "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
18. "I been savin' this money for a divorce, if ever I got a husband."

Call Me Cool

Ms Mixmaster Mack and I decided to come up with some band names of our own. Some have definitions by them. If they don't that means it wasn't in the dictionary, even though they are all real words, seriously. Tell me your favorite. Imagine them all being said in a really deep dramatic voice, they sound better that way.

Pseudovary Nonrotation Supercycle

Tawpy Subconcavity

Superindustiousness

Nontangental Unclannishness

Subrictal Nonimperialness

Preexplantion Xerobates

Underbeadle Lancepod

Squintingness Hypoalimentation (affliction of the squints and insufficient or inadequate nourishment)

Waxflowerl And Meeting

Demisability of Cameralism

Equivocacy found Preimpression

Unbedizened Diphylla

Nicaraguan Lawyerbush (nicaraguan stout-stemmed trailing shrub of New Zealand)

Entrada Submediation

Bombacaceous Unslippered (bloodsucking fly without slippers)

Aquilegia Trigonum

Unbombed Grias (anchovy pear tree that has not been bombed)

Make your own by going to the random word generator at http://watchout4snakes.com/creativitytools/RandomWord/RandomWordPlus.aspx and tell me what it is so I can add it to the list.

This is my attempt to add a link within my post.
Looking for a name for your band? Of course you are. Here's a few ideas: http://digitaldreamdoor.nutsie.com/pages/quotes/funnyband.html
(ps- some of these aren't the most appropriate)

We're gonna keep this short and sweet.
My Audience: pretty much just me
Reasons for blogging: it's a grade
Topics of discussion: things I find funny
oh, and if your reading this you are entitled to either follow this blog, or, if you already are, leave a comment on another post

no, let me SHOW you

So I've developed this really nasty habit of doodling on test essays. Take for example one of the essays on the AP Bio test. It was about ecology. We never learned that. After bs-ing my way through a few sentences I gave up. Then I proceeded to draw a hippo, standing in a pond, under a tree, surrounded by cattails and other weeds, and a few flamingos. Yeah. I'm sure the person correcting my test got a real kick out of that before scoring it a zero. Then again today on the ACT test, during the writing portion, I figured that my time could better be spent drawing turrents with princesses in them and princes looking up at them from the ground, proclaiming their love. Yeah. It was hot.

The Older You Get, The Better Stories You Tell

Job shadowed, and dear god I've learned so much that I can't wait to share (heavy sarcasm, fyi).

Background: I went to the Adult Daycare Center. It's a place were people sent their parents when they don't want them at home alone and then come pick them up after work. Kinda sad, but not really.

First, the lady sitting next to me, Bonny, who had a very pronounced mustache, decided to educate me on the proper way to castrate a cow. Ew. After that we moved on to milking them. Gross. Then she told me all about her 32 cats and how she was allergic to them, but she still keeps them. She even rattled off all their names to me. All 32 names. Then she told me (this gets a little graphic) how she always had a thing for horse testicles. What? Seriously? This isn't something you share, babe. All the while there is this parakeet in the background who insists on chirping, non-stop. Then the man on my other side, Don, told me all about his pet donkey, Nellie. Nellie was blind. They rode Nellie. Nellie ran into things. Then some lady across the room starts shouting about how when she was a girl they had a turkey, a watch turkey, named Thurman T. Turkey. Thurman liked to chase cars. One year they ate Thurman for Thanksgiving dinner. Ah. Then a man tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I would like to play strip poker with him. AH. Then Kyle, the guy I was shadowing who's voice was exactly like that of Bob the Tomato, steered him away and began singing "Who Broke The Lock On The In-House Door?". Um, k. Next I got to hear stories of Shep, the pet yo-yo. Yes, someone had a pet yo-yo. Meanwhile the bird continues to chirp. Chirp. Then Bob the Tomato said that they were going to sing and that they were going to split the big group into three smaller groups: men, women, and bald people. That was funny. Then they sang. I didn't know the song. That's it.

No I Am Not Wearing A Mask, This Is My Face

Story Time

Me. In fifth grade. Fine. Parents: We're going to go see disney on ice. Me: meh. Dad finds an ad that says that if you bring your children dressed up as some sort of disney character they get free tickets. Dad gets excited. Dad is cheap. My sister and I are told to put on some dresses from the dress-up-bucket so as to receive our free tickets. Us: No. Parents: Yes. Us: In the name of all that is holy, please, no. Parents: Yes. Us: Grrrr, fine. We are outfitted with hand-me-down hand-me-downs that appear to me made by somebodies great-aunt, who happened to be a nun, and blind. My dress is a lovey shade of shocking-blue and about two feet too small. My sister's is black and made of some sort of velvet that clings to her clothes and makes it look like she is wearing pants, not a dress, which is good because it is big enough to fit a fully grown man and she is in third grade. We defy the laws of disney-characterelle. We are scary looking. It is bad. Mom just laughs. We want to hit something, or her. We arrive to the place where free tickets are being handed out. We are surrounded by three and four year olds dressed up as princesses and dalmations. We refuse to leave the car. Dad goes in and explains that we are too shy to come out and makes us wave to her so that she can see that he isn't lying. We get the tickets. We leave. The show is amazing and I hate every minute of it. The End.

It feels good to get things off your chest

Happy Old Happy

I have a job shadow today with a music therapist. I pictured this as someone who plays Beethoven for small children. No. It's not. They sing, for old people. Gross. So Miss Mixmaster Mack and I decided to write a few little tunes for them. Here they are:

You are old,
Yes you are,
And you smell like a superstar/smokey bar/broken car/piece of tar. (nothing sounded right)

You are old,
This is true,
I hope I'm never as old as you. (point, but make sure to smile)

Really old people
Scare me to death,
Especially because of
Their really bad breath.

We decided that as long as you sing in a happy voice and smile a lot they won't understand that you are insulting them and all will be fine. Ah, the benefits of hearing aids.

Please Step Back and Try Again

Who doesn't love a good one-hit-wonder? Especially the ones that you are glad that they didn't become famous for a long enough time for them to right anything else. Like the Rednex, so help me if I hear that song ever again. Or Ms. Toni Basil, somehow I can't help picturing Mickey Mouse everytime I listen to that song. Mostly it's obvious that they couldn't trump that one song so why bother trying. Here are my favorites (in this order):



Crash Test Dummies- Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Devo- Whip It

Mountain- Mississippi Queen

Carl Douglas- Kung Fu Fighting

Chumbawamba- Tubthumping

Lipps Inc.- Funkytown

Taco- Puttin On The Ritz

Los Del Rio- Macarena

Thomas Dolby- She Blinded Me With Science

Bobby McFerrin- Don't Worry Be Happy

Right Said Fred- I'm Too Sexy

Twisted Sister- We're Not Gonna Take It

Thurston Harris- Little Bitty Pretty One

Let me know if I missed any, these are all I could think up within 5 minutes.

The Pink Avenger

Best story of life. Ready? Set? Read:

Walked out of my first hour. Heard some girls talking. Decided to eavesdrop, though they were talking so loud that it really couldn't be considered eavesdropping, more like willingfully not closing my ears. Here is what I heard:
(I didn't know their names so Girl #1 will be dubbed Bernese and Girl #2 will become Moeesha)

Bernese: I hate that f******* b**** so much!
Me: (*what language!?!*)
Moeesha: I know that.
Bernese: Oh she makes me so mad.
Moeesha: We should do something to her.
Bernese: Already did.
Bernese: (*looks smug*)
Moeesha: Wha? No you di-int?
Bernese: Yup.
Bernese: (*continues looking smug*)
Moeesha: Tell me, girl.
Bernese: I stole her . . . crayon.
Moeesha: Shoo, girl, no you di-int?
Bernese: Sure did.
Bernese: (*holds up half a pink crayon*)
Moeesha: (*looks impressed*)
Moeesha: Shoo, girl, what she gonna say when she finds out?
Bernese: Doe-wn care.
(a lot more swearing is done as they turn the corner and walk away, Bernese still holding up the partial pink crayon and Moeesha continuing to look impressed)

*****This is a 100% true story minus the multiple swear words that I left out for grading purposes.

PS- maybe she wanted to make a band-aid, ms. lemon

Oh The Woes of Westdale Mall

Most Epic Adventure of my LIFE (not):



(WARNING: a lot of complaining and self pity is expressed within the following text)

Roxanne Betta and I arrive at Westdale Mall to volunteer for the public library, moving books. After parking at the wrong end, we locate the library, only to find that there is a hundred long line waiting outside. ??? Next we are handed release forms explaining the dangers of handeling books. At the bottom is a place for a parent consent signature. No parent. 17, 18, what's the different? After filling out our forms and waiting for another 15 minutes we are finally led through a back door, down a back hallway, around a back corner, down another back hallway, down a back staircase, through a back warehouse, around a back corner, down yet another back hallway and into an open hallway. The whole way there is lined with people passing carts along, ones filled with books going down and empty ones going back up. We are added to the end of the line. After about ten minutes of listening to the insane ramblings of the lady next to me who insisted on talking to me, which was fine, but who never raised her voice above a mumble. Fine, whatever. Nod, smile, nod. Then she tips over one of the carts because she tries to push it sideways. Idiot. Sorry. But true. After we all pick up the books the procession starts again. I pass the next empty cart her way. She isn't looking. It puts a dent in the dry wall. My fault. Oy vey. An ungodly amount of time later we decide to leave. But we don't know how to get out. So we go down some hallway. With doors. And doorbells. We ring some. Finally we find that we've ended up where we started. The mumbler tells me that the door right behind me will take us back out into the mall. Drat. Go figure. Oh well. We leave. And yeah.

Ode To A Bug

There is a bug crawling across my computer screen. So I will write and ode to the bug. Here it goes:


O dear bug
I watch you crawl across my computer screen
And I shiver
In disgust
You are so small
And brown
And ugly
How can and creature bear to be as ugly as you
But you proceed
Across the screen
Do not fear little bug
I will not fetch a kleenex
And squish you
Because as hideous as you are
I can not stand the crack
And pop
You make as I kill you
So for now you shall live
Until I can find another
And have her do the deed
Because you are just too ugly
To let live


O dear bug
I shall name you Jacopo (Ya-cah-poh)
And we shall be friends
Until I kill you
Then we wont be friends
Anymore
Sorry
But not really

Happy February Fools Day!!!