title title

I made a little short story that really isn't a story out of movie titles from the 70s and 80s. Enjoy?

It all started when the Alien told Audrey Rose that Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore. Due to Blacula and Blackenstein she now had the China Syndrome. Turns out she was Better Off Dead, even though she had Reason To Live Reason To Die, because even though Diamonds Are Forever, Young Frankenstein had Escaped From Alcatraz, gotten a Clue, and was Coming To America. She was a Woman Under The Influence and he was The Man With Two Brains, it was pretty much inevitable that they were more than just Innocent Bystanders, rather, Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Besides, if the first two hadn't done the job, Dr. Alien would have brought out his Killer Force and Gotcha! (her). The Gauntlet had been dropped and there was nothing to do but Throw Mama From The Train. Once Bitten, she had No Way Out but through the Towering Inferno. What she didn't know was that Scarface, her Secret Admirer, had followed the Gremlins which led him to her Hide Out, which was just a House By The Cemetery. Like Father Like Son, the Little Monsters from The Beyond had All The Right Moves but all The Wrong Guys. Meanwhile, out on the Mean Streets, The Big Boss was busy with Bedknobs And Broomsticks. He had no time to Return To Oz, and had to ask some Boys From Brazi and their Teen Wolf to travel to St. Elmo's Fire for him while he and his Fist Of Fury got Footloose. Next door, some Ruthless People were Running Scare in the Summer Rental while the Boy Who Could Fly tried to Breakdance with The Deer Hunter at The Boyfriend School. One Crazy Summer his Blind Date was trying to Brainstorm ways to be Just One Of The Guys but realized their was No Way Out. Then along came The Last Unicorn saying philosophical things like "Don't Torture A Duckling" and "She's Having A Baby" and "My Best Friend Is A Vampire." After munching on some Mystic Pizza he pranced on his way, taking his Neon Maniacs with him. From Under The Cherry Moon, the Troll was Trading Places with Supergirl. They were trying to Stop Making Sense but the Sudden Impact (new title) Short Circuited their Shock Treatment, causing the Platoon to begin Playing For Keeps. Suddenly The Little Mermaid swam up with a License To Kill and began to set the City On Fire. Since it was Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Flash Gordon could do nothing but sit with A View To Kill.

To Be Continued . . .

is it later yet

Things I've done to postpone writing my essay:

1. went ice skating
2. invited myself over to friends' houses
3. took several naps
4. ate
5. practiced piano
6. thought about others things that I could do instead of writing
7. read a book . . . a whole book
8. complained about the cold weather
9. ate
10. went to soccer practice (although in this instance I may have rather been writing)
11. watched several movies, most of them not very good
12. sat quietly (a big feat)
13. made pancakes
14. had a chocolate milk party (you know who you are)
15. made excuses to my parents as to why I haven't done it yet
16. wrote this post

Yay, more ugly art!


No, in fact this is not ugly, it is wonderful. Masterful. This painting represents commercialism in society and the mixing of opinions. The distortion of the face shows our distortion of mind. By trying to be everything at once and instead of coming out beautiful we turn into monsters of narcissism. Only concerned with how others view us and how we see ourselves. We are influenced by what we see and mimic all.


No, actually this is a self portrait done by a very unfortunate man after a very bad day. After getting up to a beautiful morning with birds chirping and flowers blooming he proceeded to make himself a cup-o-coffee (vanilla walnut) and dress himself in his best attire in mind of his board meeting that morning where he was to be promoted from the sectary's secretary to just plain secretary (one small step on his way to world domination). While driving to his office he saw a squirrel in the road ahead. Assuming the squirrel would run out of the way he continued towards it. The squirrel did not budge; it had just broken up with it's mate and was feeling, currently, very suicidal. The man was forced to swerve out of the way at the last possible moment, causing his coffee to spill into his lap (he had just been about to take a sip), in turn causing him considerable pain and forcing him to release a few choice words. The squirrel, being very angry about not being hit, took off after the car, which had pulled over to the side of the road and few yards ahead. Needless to say, many of the man's injuries could have been prevented had he simply hit the squirrel; but on the other hand, as the squirrel was venting his anger on the man's face, his lady friend saw him and decided to take him back (she had originally left because she thought him a wimp) because of his heroics. The man never regained full function of any of his facial features and is constantly asked what is wrong or why he is in bad mood (due to his permanent frown).


No, in fact the painting was originally of a beautiful woman (whom the painter had hoped to ask out after finishing her portrait) but as the painter was exiting his workshop he ran painting first into a fellow painter carrying a recently painted portrait of his pet bull dog. While the bull dog painting now resembles a woman with a snout, the first painter's work was made masterful and fought over by many prominent collectors. (Unfortunately, after viewing the painting, the woman in fact did not accept the painters offer of a later date. Shame.)


That was all lies, the truth of the matter is that the painter was in fact six years old and was attempting a portrait of her dearest grandma. Needless to say this piece of art did not end up on grandma's refrigerator for all to see, but was labeled "grandpa" and hung over the mantle for all to admire (and snicker at).

yes, no, not relevant

I think we should try one. (if you don't want to that's ok, I just need this for the word count) I'll start off easy. Just comment your yes or no questions and I can add it to the post.


Here's the story:

A woman murders her husband. Everyone knows about it but she is never brought to trial.

example question:
is the identity of the women important?

example answer:
yes

Did she have a good reason?
yes and no, she had a good reason for doing what she did but what she did wasn't intended to kill him, just gave away a bunch but oh well

Stories with a hole

It's math-o all over again!!!

These are "stories" that we had to decipher by asking only yes or no questions. Some are kinda like those "whodunnit" stories while others are really twisted. Some are really stupid while others are really wow. It's like you are given the answer and now you have to figure out the story that go along with it. A backwards tale.

I put them in order according to which ones I thought were easiest/hardest:

(easiest) A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

(easy, etc.) A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, coat, gloves and ski mask. He is walking down a back street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

There once was a guy that's just getting on the plane and greets his friend six rows back and got arrested. Why?

A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?

John and Mary were laying dead in a puddle with broken glass. Chester wasn't found. Why is that?

Jill and Ben were racing. Jill pulled ahead and lost the race.

Faye was at a restaurant when suddenly at 12 o'clock, there were cries. A body fell on her table and there was red liquid spilled all over her lap. What happened?

Beulah died in the Appalachians, while Craig died at sea. Everyone was much happier with Craig's death.

A woman brought her car up beside a hotel, and knew immediately that she was about to become bankrupt.

Two men enter a bar. They both order identical drinks. One lives; the other dies.

A man was found in an empty bedroom, no bed, no furniture, just a completely empty room. He was hung. There was no blood, nothing under him, nothing in the room, and the ceiling is 15 feet high. He has been here for about a week now.

A woman murders her husband. Everyone knows about it but she is never brought to trial.

The music stopped. She died. (the answer to this one is really long, contrary to the short prompt)

A man is lying dead in the middle of a desert. The only other thing in sight is a stick. (another long one)

A man goes into a restaurant, orders albatross soup, eats one bite, and kills himself. (long)

What were they thinking? you might ask. Well, probably that they wanted to live on the side of a cliff and put their lives in the hands/branches of a tree, daily, going out into their sitting room, their life just hanging in the balance. Tree of Life. (bad pun). By the way, this is a real, um, thing. Not photo-shopped.

I kid you not

Shopping. Check out. There is some crazy woman in line in front of me. Crazy. She has three kids and smells strongly of fish sticks and glitter glue. The three kids have crazy names like Orval and Goncalo and Macky (not their actual names but I don't remember them so this is what they would be). In the line next to me is a clown. Seriously. No lie. She (the woman, not the clown) continues to yell at the children as they beg her to buy some 100 pack of tea candles. The clown and I exchange exasperated expressions (say that three times fast). It takes the woman 15 minutes to check out, and all she bought was a pack of paper and 2 magnets, one featuring a penguin holding a banana and they other, a tank.

Don't be humble, you're not that great.

How to read minds

Ask them to think of the name of a country that starts with a 'D'.
(Denmark)

Then ask them to think of an animal that starts with the last letter of the previous country.
(Kangaroo)

Finally ask them to think of a color that begins with the last letter of the previous animal.
(Orange)

Then place your hand on their head, close your eyes, appear to be thinking very hard, and say in a whispery voice "Orange, you are thinking of an orange."

Did it to both my 5 and 10 year old brothers, they now think I'm amazing.

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner forty niner,
And his daughter Clementine.

(Someplace out west,
Digging,
There was a rhyming guy,
With a hot daughter. (named after fruit))

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine,
Herring boxes, without topses,
Sandals were for Clementine.

(Small girl,
Big feet.
She wore boxes for shoes,
Cause nothing else fit.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

Drove she ducklings to the water
Ev'ry morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter,
Fell into the foaming brine.

(Chased some duck to the water,
Routinely,
Stubbed her toe,
Fell in the river.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles, soft and fine,
But, alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.

(Dead girl floating,
Dead,
I can't swim,
So she drowned.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

How I missed her! How I missed her,
How I missed my Clementine,
But I kissed her little sister,
I forgot my Clementine.

(Cry, cry,
Blubber,
Kissed her sister.
No Biggie.)

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

(Baby, baby,
Baby, Clementine.
You're dead,
That's too bad, Clementine.)

No Title

New Work Story: more interesting than it sounds. I met this lady at work today, customer, and she began to complain about how the deer were destroying her garden. Blah blah blah. I really don't care about your cabbages. Or whats left of them. Her solution: she shoots them, with her sons paintball gun. Now there are deer running around with blue and purple splatters on them. She also seems to know what the deer are thinking when they see her. She swears that they've nicknamed her "that crazy paint lady" and call her that everytime they see her coming. Little crazy. Good stuff.

to-not-to's

Things I vow to do when I'm old:

1. wear pants that come up at least past my belly button
2. make sure my orthopedics have some sort of glitter or sequin design on them
3. call everyone younger than me honey or sweetie pie or pumpkin or something of that nature
4. make old jokes about people older than me or about my age
5. own at least one piece of leopard print clothing
6. sing really really really loud at church
7. have blue hair
8. wear lots of make-up
9. talk like I'm still 17
10. walk around the mall in a sweatsuit (for exercise, instead of shopping)
11. be really grumpy to everyone I don't know

Don't . . . Touch . . . The Hair

So i went to get my haircut a few days ago and while i was there there was this guy whose girlfriend was making him get his eyebrows waxed. So funny. To be fair, he did have a lot of eyebrow. He was such a baby about it too. Whimpering before she even put the sticky stuff on, then howling after she ripped them out. Can't say i've ever had it done before but it can't be that bad, can it? Really. There was also this little girl there who got like two inches cut off, couldn't even tell a difference. She ran out of the store crying because she hated it so much. No lie, you couldn't even tell she got it cut, same style, tiny bit shorter. Not even perceptible. The poor haircutter started crying too because she felt to bad. The mom just laughed.